Possible new favorite cover song

Deftones - Jealous Guy
Album: Instant Karma: The Amnesty International Campaign to Save Darfur {The complete recordings}.

Should probably be doing my homework

Ended up watching Step Up (teen dance movie) and Fabulous (documentary about queer cinema), tonight. Did it all with PowerPoint opened, like I was actually working on my stupid narrative photo essay. I'm going to flunk out of school. Ooh, Tremors.

Really liked this line - "Hearts don’t break harder or softer based on your demographic."

It means Luca Brassi sleeps with the fishes

Sorry for the lack of updates. I'm having a hard time staying afloat this semester, and every word I write is owed to teachers or bosses. I hope things loosen up after 4th of July. Until then, stay cool internet. Have fun in the sun, get laid in the shade.

Romantic glare? Really

I remember being told that the person you are at 25 is the person you are forever. This is obviously not true, and I’m not just referring to biology.

But I do acknowledge some truth to the idea of a more fixed identity after 25. Really, at 25, you can start controlling your surroundings. For 20 years, you have been forced into places with people you didn’t identify with, or even really like. They, however, kept you elastic and mutable to change. You learned to deal with aggravations, annoyances, and differences in character. After high school, college, and entry-level jobs, though, you start to settle into your rut. You find a company to work for, you get comfortable with your job, you don’t meet as many new people, and you are less likely to go on adventures, knowing full well that you usually just end up damp, tired, and missing a sock. For the most part, you are right, those adventures aren’t usually a good idea, but you acknowledge that you are starting to close yourself off to new experiences. You know what you like, so why mess with a good thing, right?

Your circle of friends becomes smaller and watertight. These people don’t challenge you and if you argue, you are on the same side. You lose the ability to tolerate dissent. You hear less criticism, so you are less prepared to handle it. Changes start to…upset you. You become fixed, petrified. You stop learning from your mistakes. Growth is based on feedback, and as you get older, you tend to fortify yourself against feedback; you avoid the mirrors. I know I have, and it worries me. How do we keep growing and bettering ourselves if we don’t look at ourselves?

There is also a saying that we hate the people that remind us the most of ourselves, or that we hate the traits that remind us of our own bad behaviors. Before I turned 25, I only believed this in the abstract; it didn’t apply to me, because I was perfect. Now, I’m starting to realize this is how I will get most of my feedback from now on – the people in my watertight friend ship (gag).

So, without further ado, lessons I am learning about myself through other people.

1) People don’t respect your boundaries. They apply their boundaries to you. This goes for personal space, intimacy, feelings, etc. Don’t expect people to guess your boundaries. You will have to tell them.
2) Subtlety rarely works. You may hint, gesture, glare, whatever, but if you don’t tell people what you want, that is all the out that many people need. You may feel like you are being rude or condescending, but it is the only option with some people. And you won’t hurt their feelings because everyone has to treat them this way.
3) Passive-aggression is easy, but wrong.
4) Not having an opinion doesn’t always make you easy-going. Sometimes people will think you are dispassionate or lazy. I am slowly learning that “it doesn’t matter to me” doesn’t tell someone I’m a team player. It tells them I’m happy on the bench.
5) Only your significant other should have to fake an interest in your interests. Don’t ask your friends to do it; they won’t care. (Note to self: stop buying books as presents unless I’ve actually seen someone in the throes of novel reading).
6) If you are the only person bringing up a subject, no one else is interested. For me, this happens when I am trying to get something done that other people don’t care about. You can bring a subject up twice. If all you get is a “yeah” or “that’s interesting” no one else cares.
7) If you are a type A person who feels compelled to plan things, do not think that others will “just” reciprocate. If you always put things together, it doesn’t inspire others to work; it just enables them to not work. They will not change unless you let an event fall totally on its face (passive-aggression) or if you actually tell them that you feel burdened and would like help (see number 2). Otherwise, embrace the cliché that a good deed is its own reward.
8) If you tell people things are fine when they aren’t, but complain, people won’t understand your emotional shift and they may chalk it up as whining. Make your case as clear as possible. This realization comes from my business class about attribution error as well, not just the people I know. We assume things happen to people for internal reasons, rather than external. If you don’t let people know what the external stuff is, humans (by nature) will assume you just can’t get your shit together.
9) Change is rare. Situations will often repeat themselves. It is pointless to waste energy railing against fundamentally broken things. I am still learning to choose good battles.
10) Politeness can be misconstrued.
11) Assertiveness is the most important thing a woman can master.
12) There is a fine line between confidence and self-aggrandizement.

This list is not exhaustive. I may continue on, but this has been weighing on me for a while, and I needed to get this out.

Movie quote of the day

The starbucks I most often frequent has a series of chalkboards beneath the espresso machines. One chalkboard always has a suggested drink. The other always has the movie quote of the day. So far, they haven't stumped me. Today's quote was "Back off, man. I'm a scientist." This is one of my favorite Dr. Venkman lines. I used to think I was alone in missing the old Bill Murray. I don't always like the new, middle-aged malaise Bill Murray.

I liked this McSweeney's about the new Bill Murray in a sequel to Ghostbusters.

I have this fear that if I go to another starbucks today, they would have the same chalkboard and the same quote. It's that creepy device of big chains to create hollow uniqueness, false authenticity.

Another Douglas Coupland quote.

"Then Michael pointed out that a few years ago there was a minor furor over the ethics of Dairy Queen, who sent their franchisees hamburger patties that were pseudo-randomly shaped, with little bumpies around the patty's edges, so that burger's consumer would feel more as though they were having a "handmade" burger. In this same spirit, one wonders if the Gap randomly assigns nonstandardized clothing items to its various outlets so as to simulate the illusion of regional variety."

Down boy

Somewhere between Friday night and Saturday morning, I pinched a nerve in my left shoulder. I woke up in an impressive amount of pain, since all of my sleeping positions aggravated the problem. That said, I took copious amounts of OTC sleep aid, Advil, and one purloined Vicodin and slept 26 hours in two days. It still isn’t healed, but I have movement back and my fingers aren’t numb. Saturday I took to holding my arm at my side, elbow bent to a ninety degree angle. It worked, but it made me feel like Bob Dole. In fact, I even stuck a pen in my left hand and walked around like the former republican presidential candidate. Now, as you read, I have enough dexterity in my hands to type.

I think I caused this by reading 200 pages of “Water for Elephants” while propped on my elbows in bed. Foolish, foolish me.

What about boo-berry?

Just a quick post while I wait for UPS to deliver my stupid text books for the semester.

Today, at work, we were talking about sugar cereal and Marxism at the same time. I quickly realized this may be the only time in my life I could talk about the passage below in a relevant conversation. Still reeling my my missed La Boheme opportunity, I jumped right in. I read the passage aloud; most found it amusing.

It is from Douglas Coupland's Microserfs. The setup is that two of the characters keep choosing radical and militant political affiliations, while harrassing others in the house for being "arrogant bourgeois cochon," "cryptofascist," and "benignly centrist." The political debate rages and in response the characters come up with a list of sugar cereals and label them either as capitalist (decadent) or Marxist (non-decadent).

CAP'N CRUNCH:
Reason this cereal is decadent:
a) Colonial exploiter pursues naïve Crunchberry cultures to plunder.
b) Drunkenness, torture, and debauchery implicit in long ocean cruises.

SUGAR FROSTED FLAKES:
Reason this cereal is decadent:
Silky throated military-industrial complex spokestoad "Tony the Tiger" exploits the need of the undereducated underclass for a paternalistic, Reagan-like figure. A cautionary tale of the perils of not indoctrinating at the creche level.

TRIX:
Reason this cereal is decadent:
Well-meaning rabbit, "Trix," kept in continual state of malnutrition/subservience by dominant children of the parasitic bourgeoisie. "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids" can only be construed as a call to class warfare.

LUCKY CHARMS:
Reason this cereal is decadent:
Man with no known adult friends lures children into forest for purpose of nutritonal (ideological) seduction. Sprightly twinkle motif on packaging (putatively an allusion to "flavor") are, in fact, metaphors for soul-deadening sucrose.

RICE KRISPIES:
Reason this cereal is decadent:
Snap, Krackle, and Pop thinly veiled emblems for the Trilateral Commission.

COCOA PUFFS:
Reason this cereal is decadent:
"I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs," the demented cackle of Sonny the Cocoa Puffs bird/spokesmuppet, is resonant with the insanity inherent in the needless enslavement of the proletariat.

COUNT CHOCULA-FRANKENBERRY:
Reason this cereal is NOT decadent:
Gay relationship offers an excellent role model for this new era of diversity. Witty empire motif plays on never-ending struggle of the oppressed to topple the ruling classes.

Ooh UPS is here!

See that you do

Awhile back, I was talking about the decisions that put me on my current path. I had worked for a big telecomm company for about five years. I was making about 35K. I wasn’t using my 401K matching or tuition assistance. You know why, because I was waiting for my miracle. I was waiting for the sky to open up and rain rubies and lucrative job offers down from heaven. I was still functioning under the pervasive belief that life was fair, more than fair, that life was benevolent. Surprise, though, my miracle didn’t come, and I was unhappy, so I left. I left my 35K and my slack-ass job to embrace my destiny.

My destiny meant a 22K/per year job (which was equal to my salary at my first job, when I used a mini-trampoline as a couch). It meant giving up my comfy two-bedroom apartment to sublet a friend’s apartment downtown and then, later, a room in my parents’ house. It meant that most days I ate Campbell’s Chunky Soup with French fried onions for both lunch and dinner. It meant no cable and no internet and very little heat and lots of walking on Sundays. It meant that when my Toyota started dying, I couldn’t fix it. That meant pains in my chest from the anxiety of driving a horribly unsafe car to and from work each day. It was the closest I’ve ever been to the real effects of poverty. I was one of those tenuous people who end up riding the bus 90 minutes each way to work after their car explodes.

Even in this new situation, I still wasn’t happy. Villi would listen to my bitching with good humor for a while, but it wasn’t her burden. I had made the choice to leave my job. I was the one who thought this was the solution. The consequences were mine to deal with. Finally, I was forced to confront something: it wasn’t the job, the living situation or the lack of money. I was unhappy because I was spinning my wheels and wasting my life. The job didn’t matter; it was a copout. It was my way avoiding the real problem – me. I needed a plan, and one that didn’t rely on magic. I needed to think long-term and develop the skills to fulfill it. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve done a four-year degree in four years, while working full time. It has meant long hours, boring assignments, and frustration, and I’m still not done. In the literal sense I’m actually not finished; I have two semesters to go. In the figurative sense I want to get my masters degree and start a consulting firm.

This whole awakening has instilled in me that while yes, some models and actors are plucked from their jobs at the Piggly-Wiggly and given million dollar contracts, I will probably have to work for the good things in my life. Further, just like my parents became militant, mean, non-smokers, my new found clarity has made me impatient with people unwilling to move forward or help themselves. I’m exhausted from changing my life, and you should have to be, too! Villi said it best today, “If you don’t plant anything, why do you expect anything to grow?”