See that you do

Awhile back, I was talking about the decisions that put me on my current path. I had worked for a big telecomm company for about five years. I was making about 35K. I wasn’t using my 401K matching or tuition assistance. You know why, because I was waiting for my miracle. I was waiting for the sky to open up and rain rubies and lucrative job offers down from heaven. I was still functioning under the pervasive belief that life was fair, more than fair, that life was benevolent. Surprise, though, my miracle didn’t come, and I was unhappy, so I left. I left my 35K and my slack-ass job to embrace my destiny.

My destiny meant a 22K/per year job (which was equal to my salary at my first job, when I used a mini-trampoline as a couch). It meant giving up my comfy two-bedroom apartment to sublet a friend’s apartment downtown and then, later, a room in my parents’ house. It meant that most days I ate Campbell’s Chunky Soup with French fried onions for both lunch and dinner. It meant no cable and no internet and very little heat and lots of walking on Sundays. It meant that when my Toyota started dying, I couldn’t fix it. That meant pains in my chest from the anxiety of driving a horribly unsafe car to and from work each day. It was the closest I’ve ever been to the real effects of poverty. I was one of those tenuous people who end up riding the bus 90 minutes each way to work after their car explodes.

Even in this new situation, I still wasn’t happy. Villi would listen to my bitching with good humor for a while, but it wasn’t her burden. I had made the choice to leave my job. I was the one who thought this was the solution. The consequences were mine to deal with. Finally, I was forced to confront something: it wasn’t the job, the living situation or the lack of money. I was unhappy because I was spinning my wheels and wasting my life. The job didn’t matter; it was a copout. It was my way avoiding the real problem – me. I needed a plan, and one that didn’t rely on magic. I needed to think long-term and develop the skills to fulfill it. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve done a four-year degree in four years, while working full time. It has meant long hours, boring assignments, and frustration, and I’m still not done. In the literal sense I’m actually not finished; I have two semesters to go. In the figurative sense I want to get my masters degree and start a consulting firm.

This whole awakening has instilled in me that while yes, some models and actors are plucked from their jobs at the Piggly-Wiggly and given million dollar contracts, I will probably have to work for the good things in my life. Further, just like my parents became militant, mean, non-smokers, my new found clarity has made me impatient with people unwilling to move forward or help themselves. I’m exhausted from changing my life, and you should have to be, too! Villi said it best today, “If you don’t plant anything, why do you expect anything to grow?”