worry your pretty, little head

Good article in the NY Times today about Americans and our tendency to internalize success while externalizing failure. This article refers to the immense benefit that comes simply from being American. Interestingly enough, this has been a central focus of my research paper (which I have open and am pretending to work on right now). Girls externalize success (I studied really hard, I got lucky) while internalizing failure (I'm just too stupid to do this). It's been interesting to write this paper and read about the traditional behavior and treatment of girls in the classroom. All of the attention goes to the boys who blurt out answers, talk out of turn, and do all the bad things girls are socially conditioned not to do.

For me, though, I didn't recognize myself in the girls. I recognized myself in the boys. I was that obnoxious student who knew the answer to every question and strained and stretched to be noticed and called on. I harassed the teachers about my work, my ideas, and my needs. I was a classroom terror. So much so, that in 5th grade a girl named Jaime complained to the teacher that I received an unfair amount of attention in the classroom. The teacher put it to a vote and asked the other students, and they voted in my favor; Jaime had to apologize. Strangely, even after my "victory," I tried to mellow out.

I wanted what most middle school girls want in the classroom-to be invisible. I wanted to fly under the radar and avoid the ridicule of a wrong answer. It was easier for me, too, since I wasn't pretty, so it wasn't a detriment for me to be smart, because I wasn't trying to catch myself a boyfriend. Even still, I would try to silence myself. It's hard for me, though. I still want to answer the questions and be right. Even now, in college, older than the rest of the students and really just trying to eek out my degree, I tell myself not to be an active participant. Then the teacher asks a question, and my hand shoots up. And if I'm right, I internalize my success. "Man, I'm a genius," I might say. Oddly enough, I still can't take a compliment.

That is what she wished she had said

Since it is Valentine's Day and we're already holding hands, I think it's probably safe to tell you I like you.

Quickly

One other thing. I've been going to the gym a lot lately. I'm super proud of myself, since I could be rationalizing myself down to like one visit a week. Anyhow, you know what annoys me? When people stop and wait for a close parking space at the gym. You're going somewhere to exercise, but you won't walk an extra 50steps the building. What the hell is that about? If I happen to get a close space, great, but the people that wait for spaces are weird. They are probably the same people that come on Saturdays and dress out just to drink coffee. They never work out. It's weird.

Odd

Last night, in my sleep, I got up and pulled two paintings down from my wall. When I woke up this morning, I found them on the floor. I have vague recollections of a dream about moving, but I'm surprised I was actually motivated to take them off the walls. I may be going crazy. School should be over in 4 weeks. I assume I can recapture my sanity at that time.

Tipsy confession...set to Neko Case's "Set Out Running"

The most acutely aware of my loneliness I have been all year wasn't New Year's Day, Valentine's Day, my birthday, or sunset. No, it was earth hour. I turned off all the lights and drank wine by candlelight. There wasn't anything bad about it, but I realized how much easier earth hour is with someone. There was something about solitary solidarity that made me feel more alone than I ever had in my life.

In the sweet used to be

Sometimes, when you are mere weeks from graduating and you just need to finish your stupid papers, you have to take a break for drag queen makeup and hair. Then, you take a bunch of pictures of yourself. Then, you edit those pictures because you don't really look that awesome. The end result is 2 hours of my life not spent on my proposal.

And this...



I kinda look like a vampire FLDS, you know, if I were a cartoon character.

she'll always be hannah neffler to me

I listened to some of Rilo Kiley's stuff when I first learned that little Jenny Lewis was the lead singer of the group. I wasn't really a fan. I did, recently, download her solo stuff and have been cracked out on that for days. I love most of the songs off Acid Tongue, particularly Godspeed. It's about a friend trying to help another friend out of an abusive situation. Taken at face value, I don't have much in my life to relate it to. Taken a little more metaphorically, I think I know why it has me crying on the highway.

It could also be that I am functioning somewhere near exhaustion most of the time. Now that college basketball is over (BOOO UNC), I have my life back. Just 6 more weeks till graduation, and I've written about 60 words of my 30 page research page. Life is looking good.

I'm going to try to be more dilligent about posting, but I already feel like I live with finger to key.