sad realization

I'm just not cool enough for PJ Harvey. Lord knows I tried.

tipsy and reading jane austen at 3.30 am

More than seven years were gone since this little history of sorrowful interest had reached its close; and time had softened down much, perhaps nearly all of peculiar attachment to him - but she had been too dependent on time alone; no aid had been given in change of place or in any novelty or enlargement of society; - No one had ever come within the Kellynch circle, who could bear a comparison with Frederick Wentworth, as he stood in her memory.

sigh

DRUNK!

Woke up on the floor of the living room to Gloria Estefan telling Rachael Ray that she had lost her skirt on tour, to which Rachael replied NO! I'm pretty sure this wasn't a dream or a hallucination. I then climbed into an alternating hot and cold bath. It did make me feel better, but it reminded me of drivers' ed in high school. When they would ask you that trick question.

Which of these will sober you up faster?
A) a cold shower
b) a cup of coffee
c)Monsters
d)None of the above

Since my answer, tonight, would have been a) I realize I didn't remember a damn thing from drivers' ed except the underriding video. Underriding was when a car would slide under an unguarded semi-truck and the driver was decapitated. Scarred for life.

Bed time now.

I want a big bag of little donuts

My commitments for the next ten days:

10-15 minute documentary. I got 34 seconds done last night; it took 3 hours. Due July 23rd

8-10 page research paper about intercultural communication. I haven’t chosen a topic or done thing one for research. Due July 27th

Villi’s birthday – awesome, but consuming. Duties will include, but are not limited to, fetching drinks, cleaning the house, and acquiring birthday donuts on Sunday.

Company conference – will swallow my life next Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday from about 6 AM to 10 PM each day.

If I survive, I have a whole week off before the start of fall semester, but only if I survive.

My mania is manifesting itself in interesting ways. My last dream before I woke up this morning was strange. Michael Cera (of Superbad and Juno fame) and I were performing sketch comedy. Our sketch was about two people who had fallen in love playing Halo over XBOX Live. They decided to wear their headsets for the entire ceremony with the bride (me) carrying my controller instead of a bouquet. And then it was time to go to work.

Yep.

Probably no more posts for the week, but I look forward to returning to my former posting glory.

Drowning and annoyed

Party was lovely. School is deadly. Work is annoyed...no, wait. I am annoyed.

Possible new favorite cover song

Deftones - Jealous Guy
Album: Instant Karma: The Amnesty International Campaign to Save Darfur {The complete recordings}.

Should probably be doing my homework

Ended up watching Step Up (teen dance movie) and Fabulous (documentary about queer cinema), tonight. Did it all with PowerPoint opened, like I was actually working on my stupid narrative photo essay. I'm going to flunk out of school. Ooh, Tremors.

Really liked this line - "Hearts don’t break harder or softer based on your demographic."

It means Luca Brassi sleeps with the fishes

Sorry for the lack of updates. I'm having a hard time staying afloat this semester, and every word I write is owed to teachers or bosses. I hope things loosen up after 4th of July. Until then, stay cool internet. Have fun in the sun, get laid in the shade.

Romantic glare? Really

I remember being told that the person you are at 25 is the person you are forever. This is obviously not true, and I’m not just referring to biology.

But I do acknowledge some truth to the idea of a more fixed identity after 25. Really, at 25, you can start controlling your surroundings. For 20 years, you have been forced into places with people you didn’t identify with, or even really like. They, however, kept you elastic and mutable to change. You learned to deal with aggravations, annoyances, and differences in character. After high school, college, and entry-level jobs, though, you start to settle into your rut. You find a company to work for, you get comfortable with your job, you don’t meet as many new people, and you are less likely to go on adventures, knowing full well that you usually just end up damp, tired, and missing a sock. For the most part, you are right, those adventures aren’t usually a good idea, but you acknowledge that you are starting to close yourself off to new experiences. You know what you like, so why mess with a good thing, right?

Your circle of friends becomes smaller and watertight. These people don’t challenge you and if you argue, you are on the same side. You lose the ability to tolerate dissent. You hear less criticism, so you are less prepared to handle it. Changes start to…upset you. You become fixed, petrified. You stop learning from your mistakes. Growth is based on feedback, and as you get older, you tend to fortify yourself against feedback; you avoid the mirrors. I know I have, and it worries me. How do we keep growing and bettering ourselves if we don’t look at ourselves?

There is also a saying that we hate the people that remind us the most of ourselves, or that we hate the traits that remind us of our own bad behaviors. Before I turned 25, I only believed this in the abstract; it didn’t apply to me, because I was perfect. Now, I’m starting to realize this is how I will get most of my feedback from now on – the people in my watertight friend ship (gag).

So, without further ado, lessons I am learning about myself through other people.

1) People don’t respect your boundaries. They apply their boundaries to you. This goes for personal space, intimacy, feelings, etc. Don’t expect people to guess your boundaries. You will have to tell them.
2) Subtlety rarely works. You may hint, gesture, glare, whatever, but if you don’t tell people what you want, that is all the out that many people need. You may feel like you are being rude or condescending, but it is the only option with some people. And you won’t hurt their feelings because everyone has to treat them this way.
3) Passive-aggression is easy, but wrong.
4) Not having an opinion doesn’t always make you easy-going. Sometimes people will think you are dispassionate or lazy. I am slowly learning that “it doesn’t matter to me” doesn’t tell someone I’m a team player. It tells them I’m happy on the bench.
5) Only your significant other should have to fake an interest in your interests. Don’t ask your friends to do it; they won’t care. (Note to self: stop buying books as presents unless I’ve actually seen someone in the throes of novel reading).
6) If you are the only person bringing up a subject, no one else is interested. For me, this happens when I am trying to get something done that other people don’t care about. You can bring a subject up twice. If all you get is a “yeah” or “that’s interesting” no one else cares.
7) If you are a type A person who feels compelled to plan things, do not think that others will “just” reciprocate. If you always put things together, it doesn’t inspire others to work; it just enables them to not work. They will not change unless you let an event fall totally on its face (passive-aggression) or if you actually tell them that you feel burdened and would like help (see number 2). Otherwise, embrace the cliché that a good deed is its own reward.
8) If you tell people things are fine when they aren’t, but complain, people won’t understand your emotional shift and they may chalk it up as whining. Make your case as clear as possible. This realization comes from my business class about attribution error as well, not just the people I know. We assume things happen to people for internal reasons, rather than external. If you don’t let people know what the external stuff is, humans (by nature) will assume you just can’t get your shit together.
9) Change is rare. Situations will often repeat themselves. It is pointless to waste energy railing against fundamentally broken things. I am still learning to choose good battles.
10) Politeness can be misconstrued.
11) Assertiveness is the most important thing a woman can master.
12) There is a fine line between confidence and self-aggrandizement.

This list is not exhaustive. I may continue on, but this has been weighing on me for a while, and I needed to get this out.

Movie quote of the day

The starbucks I most often frequent has a series of chalkboards beneath the espresso machines. One chalkboard always has a suggested drink. The other always has the movie quote of the day. So far, they haven't stumped me. Today's quote was "Back off, man. I'm a scientist." This is one of my favorite Dr. Venkman lines. I used to think I was alone in missing the old Bill Murray. I don't always like the new, middle-aged malaise Bill Murray.

I liked this McSweeney's about the new Bill Murray in a sequel to Ghostbusters.

I have this fear that if I go to another starbucks today, they would have the same chalkboard and the same quote. It's that creepy device of big chains to create hollow uniqueness, false authenticity.

Another Douglas Coupland quote.

"Then Michael pointed out that a few years ago there was a minor furor over the ethics of Dairy Queen, who sent their franchisees hamburger patties that were pseudo-randomly shaped, with little bumpies around the patty's edges, so that burger's consumer would feel more as though they were having a "handmade" burger. In this same spirit, one wonders if the Gap randomly assigns nonstandardized clothing items to its various outlets so as to simulate the illusion of regional variety."