I'll kill your friends, your family, and that bitch you took to the prom

My new goal in life is to be published in McSweeney’s . So far, I have written and submitted one piece, a play in one act, called “Moonroof and Sunroof Go to Chilis.” I haven’t heard back on this yet and I am afraid it is not up to snuff. I was going to write another piece today, but it has been busy at work and I can’t find time to create a proper piece.

Last night, when I got home, the dogs were in their bandanas. My god, they are so cute when they are in their bandanas. I want to call them Tex and Daisy when they are all dressed up. I realize I am now one of those people that treat their pets like their children. The desktop on my phone? My dogs. It’s a little sad, but then they do something cute and I just want to film them for hours on end and show it to all my friends, wasting their Saturday nights and forcing them to stop answering my phone calls. Pretty soon, I’ll be dressing them up in full costume and riding them around the neighborhood in a wagon, calling them Mr. and Mrs. Squiggles, and putting saffron and truffle oil in their food, because they just like it better.

The future looks bleak.