Choke on the open net

Shot down again by McSweeneys. I submitted the second piece from the motel in Oklahoma after receiving the first rejection. I decided to climb back on the horse and try try again, or something. I was rewarded by a much faster rejection, coming Friday (the very next day. I have a few more pieces I will try with, but at a certain point, I will have to accept that my impression of what would get me published on McSweeneys does not match my talents.

The trip was alright after the last post. Mostly the family just sat around and talked, told stories. There was eating involved since it was Thanksgiving. My only complaint is that my uses Miracle Whip. I’m a bit of a purist and would have preferred real mayonnaise on my day-after turkey sandwich.

I have to go to work tomorrow and I don’t want to. This post is really hard to write. I don’t really care about content or continuity. To be honest, I’m not in the mood to write. The rejections have got me worried about school and I feel like my writing, as crappy as McSweeneys seems to think it is, may be a finite resource that I should try to preserve.

That said, here is my second rejected piece, called So, You’ve Decided to Become a Freelance Assassin – A Beginner’s Guide.

Congratulations! If you are reading this pamphlet, you have decided to change your life and enter the fast-paced and rewarding field of contract killing (either that, or you have found this pamphlet at your friend’s/lover’s/child’s house, in which case, you should put the pamphlet down immediately, stay calm, and wait until you can safely leave. Once you are alone, you can consider the viability of this relationship and decide if this will be an unsupportable strain of your moral compass. For help, please see our pamphlet- Living the Lie: How to Cope with the Dishonesty and Uncertainty of a Relationship with a Freelance Assassin or Traveling Brush Salesman).

Whether this is the start of a brand new career or a return to the mercenary arts, welcome! While this pamphlet is by no means an exhaustive reference, we hope the tips below will provide you with good information, help you avoid some of those rookie mistakes, and give you an advantage in this highly competitive and possibly dangerous field.

1. Don’t use personal checks to cover expenses- Aside from creating a dangerous paper trail, a personal check can provide information more valuable than just your address. If your personal check reveals your affinity for a certain sports team, Garfield, bible passage, or personal motto, you’ve just armed competing assassins for a brutal and highly personal assault. The best way to fund your new “home business” is with wire transfers to an offshore financial institution in a country with lax banking regulations and forgiving policies on extradition. This practice, however, requires an outlay of capital upfront and an accountant who shares your rather unique sensibility of right and wrong. If you won’t have access to a shell account, stick to cash and small business credit cards.

2. Don’t tell anyone what you do for a living- It may seem like a good idea, when you are feeling particularly close to a person, or desperately trying to keep them close to you, to divulge some little secret. Telling someone you’re a hired killer may seem like the perfect secret - not only does it establish a deep level of trust with the other party, but it also reminds them that you kill people for a living – but really, you probably won’t respect someone who can rationalize your line of work. And you will always wonder if they are there because they love you, or because they are afraid of being garroted in a dark alley and thrown in a river.

3. When you choose your cover story, don’t be from New York- There is a tendency with new assassins to make their cover stories overly elaborate and self-congratulatory. Avoid this mistake! Don’t pretend to have a fascinating career, interesting family, or unique hobbies. Above all, don’t be from New York. New York may seem like the perfect large, anonymous city for your cover story, but it can be a real detriment. Suppose you tell an innkeeper in Altoona that you are visiting from New York. One of two things will happen: either the innkeeper has been to New York and wants to talk to you for hours about the neat little bistro in Soho that she ate at, or she hasn’t been to New York, but wants to go and would like your recommendation for a neat little bistro in Soho that she can visit. With this one conversation, you’ve just made yourself too memorable. New York ranks just below Paris as the most conspicuous place you can be from. Just say you are from Des Moines. Before you finish the sentence, everyone will already have forgotten.

Be safe and good luck!