nothing clever to say

I just submitted my 30 page research paper. For all intents and purposes, I am finshed with my BA. I thought I was going to break down weeping, but I'm not sure it's settled in yet. I'll alert you when I have my breakdown.

Amor, sei colpa tu

I'm debating, internet, if we have reached that place in our relationship where I can share my poetry with you. I'm thinking no. I mean, I just brought my toothbrush over to your house. I don't want to rush things.

There is this strange, fine line in social networking of how much to reveal about yourself. Some people have no problem exposing themselves completely. I assume these are the same people that assume their cell phone calls in the grocery store check-out lane occur in a vacuum.

I'm making my reading list for Hawaii. I intend to read upwards of a million books in the week I am on the big island. I have forgotten what reading for leisure even is. Yes, anyone who sees my goodreads list knows that I read for fun (or torture if you consider the twilight series), but since school started, it has been stolen leisure. In the back of my mind, I'm always thinking about the other things I should be doing, reading, writing. Once school is out, it is back to pure leisure reading for me, and I am ecstatic!

I'm so excited to read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies! The subtitle is fantastic: The Classic Regency Romance - Now with Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem! I'm afraid to even buy the book until right before I go to Hawaii. I know I won't be able to resist it. I looked up the author, Seth Grahme-Smith, and found all of his Huffington Post articles. I may be in love!

Speaking of being in love:
I was a Hilary girl when the whole democratic primary started (truth betold, I never really got over Howard Dean), but when Barack Obama secured the election, I jumped right on board and ordered my pins and bumper stickers (really my sister did, but...). I was an Obama supporter but not a fervent admirer. I have to admit that in the last two weeks, I have crossed over to a full-blown Obama junkie. Not just Barack, I love Michelle, too, and I love them together. I don't know if I've ever seen a political couple (hell any famous couple) that seems to be so obscenely in love. Heidi Klum and Seal come close, but I love seeing pictures of them together. I think the pictures the white house released last week have fueled all of this.

Compare-


to this



I remember the day of the inauguration. Chris loaded up the streaming feed to the inauguration, and the rest of my team stood and watched the whole thing. As Barack was being sworn in, I turned to Matt and said, "George Bush isn't the President of the United States anymore." He said, "that's fucking awesome." And it was fucking awesome, wasn't it?

ask for it by name

What a terrible, terrible Friday.  I’ll be doing shooters by noon, heroin by five.

 

worry your pretty, little head

Good article in the NY Times today about Americans and our tendency to internalize success while externalizing failure. This article refers to the immense benefit that comes simply from being American. Interestingly enough, this has been a central focus of my research paper (which I have open and am pretending to work on right now). Girls externalize success (I studied really hard, I got lucky) while internalizing failure (I'm just too stupid to do this). It's been interesting to write this paper and read about the traditional behavior and treatment of girls in the classroom. All of the attention goes to the boys who blurt out answers, talk out of turn, and do all the bad things girls are socially conditioned not to do.

For me, though, I didn't recognize myself in the girls. I recognized myself in the boys. I was that obnoxious student who knew the answer to every question and strained and stretched to be noticed and called on. I harassed the teachers about my work, my ideas, and my needs. I was a classroom terror. So much so, that in 5th grade a girl named Jaime complained to the teacher that I received an unfair amount of attention in the classroom. The teacher put it to a vote and asked the other students, and they voted in my favor; Jaime had to apologize. Strangely, even after my "victory," I tried to mellow out.

I wanted what most middle school girls want in the classroom-to be invisible. I wanted to fly under the radar and avoid the ridicule of a wrong answer. It was easier for me, too, since I wasn't pretty, so it wasn't a detriment for me to be smart, because I wasn't trying to catch myself a boyfriend. Even still, I would try to silence myself. It's hard for me, though. I still want to answer the questions and be right. Even now, in college, older than the rest of the students and really just trying to eek out my degree, I tell myself not to be an active participant. Then the teacher asks a question, and my hand shoots up. And if I'm right, I internalize my success. "Man, I'm a genius," I might say. Oddly enough, I still can't take a compliment.

That is what she wished she had said

Since it is Valentine's Day and we're already holding hands, I think it's probably safe to tell you I like you.

Quickly

One other thing. I've been going to the gym a lot lately. I'm super proud of myself, since I could be rationalizing myself down to like one visit a week. Anyhow, you know what annoys me? When people stop and wait for a close parking space at the gym. You're going somewhere to exercise, but you won't walk an extra 50steps the building. What the hell is that about? If I happen to get a close space, great, but the people that wait for spaces are weird. They are probably the same people that come on Saturdays and dress out just to drink coffee. They never work out. It's weird.

Odd

Last night, in my sleep, I got up and pulled two paintings down from my wall. When I woke up this morning, I found them on the floor. I have vague recollections of a dream about moving, but I'm surprised I was actually motivated to take them off the walls. I may be going crazy. School should be over in 4 weeks. I assume I can recapture my sanity at that time.

Tipsy confession...set to Neko Case's "Set Out Running"

The most acutely aware of my loneliness I have been all year wasn't New Year's Day, Valentine's Day, my birthday, or sunset. No, it was earth hour. I turned off all the lights and drank wine by candlelight. There wasn't anything bad about it, but I realized how much easier earth hour is with someone. There was something about solitary solidarity that made me feel more alone than I ever had in my life.

In the sweet used to be

Sometimes, when you are mere weeks from graduating and you just need to finish your stupid papers, you have to take a break for drag queen makeup and hair. Then, you take a bunch of pictures of yourself. Then, you edit those pictures because you don't really look that awesome. The end result is 2 hours of my life not spent on my proposal.

And this...



I kinda look like a vampire FLDS, you know, if I were a cartoon character.

she'll always be hannah neffler to me

I listened to some of Rilo Kiley's stuff when I first learned that little Jenny Lewis was the lead singer of the group. I wasn't really a fan. I did, recently, download her solo stuff and have been cracked out on that for days. I love most of the songs off Acid Tongue, particularly Godspeed. It's about a friend trying to help another friend out of an abusive situation. Taken at face value, I don't have much in my life to relate it to. Taken a little more metaphorically, I think I know why it has me crying on the highway.

It could also be that I am functioning somewhere near exhaustion most of the time. Now that college basketball is over (BOOO UNC), I have my life back. Just 6 more weeks till graduation, and I've written about 60 words of my 30 page research page. Life is looking good.

I'm going to try to be more dilligent about posting, but I already feel like I live with finger to key.