It's so refreshing

Ever since the news of my high school reunion, I have been in an odd state of sadness and nostalgia. The nostalgia I understand. I was pretty fucking awesome in high school. The sadness I can't entirely account for. I know that news of a certain person heightened it, and I have found myself rehearsing speeches and kiss offs that will never happen, and I am startled at the amount of hostility still there. Up until today, the sorting for the yard sale hadn't really hit on any of those nerves. Tonight, though, while going through my high school bucket, I was bowled over by a sense of regret and frustration that I wasn't somewhere different today. I have a problem with regret. It has been that greek heel for me for quite sometime. I'm not really surprised by it anymore.

I found the clown that Josh gave to me at my 13th birthday party. Is it sad that I still remember what the card said? I was going to sell the clown for $0.10, but then I accidentally broke the head off of it instead.

How appropriate, when I started, I was just listening to my Ipod library. At the first sign of high school angst, I turned it to Sarah McLachlan. She has been my maudlin music savior for gosh, like 14 years? Her music is like an injection of morphine and penicillin. The morphine numbs me immediately and then the penicillin starts to cure what ails me. I don't know why it works; it might be voodoo. I dug this little gem up off my old page archive about my sadness and Sarah McLachlan.

"If I cry me a river of all my confessions, would I drown in my shallow regret?"

Sarah lends herself so perfectly to all the emotions that steamrolled me in high school. When no one understood me, Sarah had the answer. When I was in super extra love with the cellist in high school, paralyzed with devotion and lust and fear and joy and misery and fear and most of all fear when I saw him, and couldn't just say it, Sarah wrote it. When all my half-formed thoughts tried to take shape, they found their most comfortable home as Sarah lyrics. I branded everything with lyrics from Fumbling Towards Ecstasy. Yearbooks signed with

I don't like your tragic sighs
as if your god has passed you by.
Well, hey fool,
that's your deception.
Your angels speak with jilted tongues.
The serpent's tale has come undone.

KIT

Notebooks filled with transcribed lyrics, failed french translations, etc. Turns out, I'm not the only one. Pick a lyric from Surfacing or Fumbling Towards Ecstasy and throw it into google. It's like winning the angst lottery.


Well, it's almost time for the kids to get home, and I have dragon slippers to mend.