Yes, Hester Jean?

I am mere hours away from the end of my 10 day vacation. I can account for each of the days, I didn't fall into a vortex or anything, but it still feels like it was over too quickly. We didn't open any presents today, since the festivities began on the 23rd and ended on Christmas Eve. I'm with Yella on this one, I don't feel like I need to wait for the birthday of the Christ child (or Mithra) to open my swag.

Speaking of swag, I got some good loot this year. I got a lovely, brown wool peacoat from my mother. I love peacoats. There was a movie, I forget which one, where a woman is getting ready to leave and she before she puts on her peacoat, she halves her scarf, places that around her neck, pulls the loose ends of the scarf through the looped end and secures it. Then, she puts on her peacoat and heads out into the weather. That image was burned into me as one of grace and poise and elegance and even though I embody none of these characteristics, I somehow believed that a peacoat would instill them in me, if only temporarily. Great gift!

I also got some books I wanted and I am told that Lost in the Woods, by Ingrid Shelton should be on its way soon. Tangent - this is a book I bought in a scholastic book flyer in 5th or 6th grade. It is about a boy and a girl (in or about the same age as I was when I got the book) who are on a class camping trip when they manage to get separated from the group. Of course, it is the goofy but smart girl and the popular and handsome boy that get stuck together. They have setbacks and problems, but they work it out and also fall for each other. I was retarded for this book when I was a kid, I probably read it 50 times. But like so many of my Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys Mysteries (another collection I have painstakingly recovered) my mom through them out (which is hilarious since I went through her Christmas ornament boxes with her this year and found bits of string and ribbon that she didn't want to throw away). Chances are, these books ended up at the ARC down on Colfax; it isn't inconceivable that the books are still there and I just need to go look, but whatever. For about the last two years, I have spent a crazy amount of time and energy tracking down this book. I subscribed to a service through a used bookseller where you post a description of the book and other readers confirm the title and author for you; that was a bust and a waste of $5 dollars. Then, using the power of Amazon and Google, I found the ISBN number of the book I thought it was and tracked down the publisher. The publisher informed me that they didn't handle this book. After this, I went straight to the source and called the author at home. I think I called the right lady, but she didn't remember the book and seemed annoyed that I had called at all. Personally, I would be flattered that someone would go to this much trouble to find something I wrote.

Turns out, I am not yet that kind of author. Not only is no one calling to find my non-existent books, but I got another rejection from McSweeneys - on Christmas, no less. As per usual, I will post my submission here for all to read. The guy sent me a note about this being a tough decision and looking forward to reading my future work, but it still sucks.

Aside from the loot of Christmas, there was much family and friends together time. It was very nice and not nearly as drunken or belligerent as I expected. The new cranium game we played is completely fun and the girls, as per usual, totally kicked ass. I am lucky to have the friends I have.

I am also lucky to have the family I have, since I got some great presents. The best being our new digital camera. Having never had one at my disposal, I really look forward to taking amateur art shots that totally suck and posting them here, with titles like "Infinity and the Carburetor" or "Trees Weep." And now everyone has something to look forward to.

Merry Christmas everybody and thanks for the loot.

Presenting my latest McSweeney's rejection-

Highlights from MTV’s Yo Momma! – Palo Alto vs. Redmond

Yo momma is so stupid; she thought Bluetooth was something the dentist fixed.

Yo momma is so fat; you can find her on Google Earth.

Yo momma is so dumb; she thought an ip block was sunscreen.

Whenever I’m looking for a good time, I call your mom. As long as I pay my bill, there is never a DoS.

Yo momma is so dumb; I told her to change the resolution on her computer and she typed out “I will stop smoking.”

Yo momma is so crazy; she thought Sony’s Mini Disc was totally going to penetrate the American market.