Remember when we said please don't go girl...

Cause you'll blow my cover.

Given my incredible track record as a fag hag, I shouldn’t be surprised that Lance Bass is almost certainly gay. Lance was my guy in *NSYNC. Any girl who has followed a boy band knows exactly what I am talking about. When you and your friends like a boy band, each girl has to pick a boy to be in love with and there can be no overlap, which is why it is good to pick out your boy early, or you get stuck with “the shy one.”

*NSYNC

My sister = Mrs. Justin Timberlake
Justina= Mrs. JC Chasez
Cassiopeia= Mrs. Joey Fatone
Me= Mrs. Lance Bass (after my brief stint with Chris Kirkpatrick ended)

NKOTB
Akilah= Mrs. Jordan Knight
My sister= Mrs. Danny Wood
Tracey= Mrs. Donnie Walberg
Me= Mrs. Joey McIntyre

Once each girl in your group had picked a boy, the group (I ran in packs of four) was now free to challenge other gangs of girls to see which gang was more devoted. Typically, the more useless branded merchandise you had, the better you “loved” the band. My sister (hereafter known as Villi) and I had particularly cruel parents who would only buy us one oversized NKOTB pin a piece. However, *NSYNC came out right about the time that I became a working girl (office job, not a pro) and I was able to spend almost all of my disposable income on *NSYNC memorabilia. This included: the puppets, stickers, posters, magazines and scalped tickets to a concert at a price that translates to roughly three car payments. Why just last week I came across some *NSYNC valentines and a musical Christmas ornament that plays “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays.”

Let’s do be honest, if a group is putting out a musical Christmas ornament, the group probably has at least one gay member. And for *NSYNC, it looks like it is Lance. I should have known when he had that fake relationship with Danielle Fishel. It was too staged and convenient, like ABC Studios presents Danielle and Lance. It’s a lot like Jon Knight’s reported relationship with Tiffany. They find a wholesome, sweet girl for “the shy one” to date. Then, after a few months, when the couple hasn’t been photographed making out, or even holding hands, they will just point to the girl’s supposed chastity and say, “please, not so loudly in front of Danielle. She doesn’t know about i-n-t-e-r-c-o-u-r-s-e.” A few months later they break up, citing busy schedules, and “the shy one” pretends he is too heartbroken to date another girl. Until, of course, he peaks out of the closet and starts being photographed shopping and having breakfast with the freaking GRAND MARSHALL of the San Francisco Pride parade.

Maybe Lance wants to go dancing with me at Trax2000?