I make the crap into credible

I make the dull into…delicious!

My favorite subordinate at work has been keeping and updating a list of quotes from me and sending it out to the other employees. They are called, umm, nacho-isms. I thought I would get them out on the website before they get emailed around the world, turning me into an overnight, international wit. VH1 – here I come!

1. Today, we mastered fire.
2. I secrete non-organic substances from my scalp.
3. When they wear an eye patch and have a parrot on their shoulder, they almost always turn out to be pirates.
4. Helping people restore databases is noble work, on par with the Peace Corps and kindergarten teachers.
5. Recommence domestic spying program (on the day I brought my binoculars back to work)
6. I’d like to be a vice president so I could just make ridiculous mandates like no U’s on the keyboard or coffee must be stirred by a fork.
7. Yeah, what sacred vessel did you run over this weekend? (In response to said subordinate’s back luck over the weekend)
8. Today we will be conducting a geological survey on and near the cranial lobe. There are pits and valleys, so watch your step. We will meet back at the ear for lunch. (I have no idea why I said or emailed this. I’m pretty sure I am just fucking crazy)
9. Does it necessarily follow that people who loot and plunder are always environmentally unfriendly? I mean pirates harnessed wind power and rarely bathed. They were all about conservation…and looting and plundering. (In response to the Captain Planet theme song)
10. Truth be told, I would prefer to have a ceiling mounted periscope and a captains chair. (?)
11. I’m going to steal a bow from a Girl Scout camp, or write an impassioned letter to Geena Davis, begging her to bring her amazing self to my funeral and shoot flaming arrows. She almost made the Olympic team in archery, you know. (In response to how I want my funeral to happen. There is a pyre involved)
12. Remain optimistic until fate has ripped every shred of hope from your life.
13. It’s not only a cool dance move; it's also a medical procedure.
14. Celebrities are like zoo animals; they have to have handlers travel with them.
15. If all of your powers came from your eyebrows, that would make an esthetician the Grand High Wizard. A good arch would give you good powers and a bad arch would make you evil.

On an unrelated note, my sister got a new job (same evil empire, but new department). Congrats!