Amateur Nacho

I'm so bad at this

2010-05-04T11:45:00.004-06:00

The project fell apart around my birthday and hasn't really gotten back on track. I still intend to do 52 new vegetables, but I may have to double up a couple of recipes. Since my last post, I've added butternut squash and fennel to the list. I love both of these. I've eaten them before, but I had never cooked with them. Squash always seems labor intensive. I grew my own pumpkin a few years ago, to make my own pumpkin puree and found the process sort of tedious. I've been scared of butternut because of it, but man is roasted butternut delicious. I roasted more butternut squash than the recipe called for, but it's great finger food to eat while waiting for the risotto to finish. I finished off the butternut squash risotto with brown-butter sage leaves and parm.

Fennel always looked imposing. Bulb, stalk, fronds, there seemed like a steep learning curve to cook fennel. Really, though, it's very easy. I'm sad I was so threatened by it. I love fennel with apple, sort of like cabbage, so I created my own recipe inspired by german potato salad and served it with pork chops. I just sauteed fennel, apples, and onions with butter (thickened with flour) and deglazed the pan with apple cider vinegar. I served this gravy/sauerkraut-ish dish over mashed potatoes and with broiled pork chops. It tasted fantastic, but the dish is brown on brown and none of my 15 pictures really looked pretty. So, by count I've done 8 veggies. I will need to do 44 more this year. I'm on it. I found a recipe for radish and watercress sandwiches which would knock out two veggies and probably be delicious.

I'm still working on my other resolutions. I've been reading a lot of non-fiction (thanks denver library ebooks). I still need to eat mussels, and I've joined an adult kickball league in an attempt to be more outgoing. I've fallen behind in my quest to be a better me, but I haven't scrapped the plan entirely. I guess this is my second wind.

Principles of bistromathics

2010-02-13T11:28:00.004-07:00

My parents weren't big on making us try new foods. My father could hardly demand that we try new and exotic foods when he was nearly as unwilling. My father's unsophisticated palate extended to the rest of our family. He was very meat and potatoes with occasional forays into macaroni and cheese. Our vegetables were corn, green beans and canned carrots. My mom would occasionally get fancy, like adding fennel to the christmas pork roast, but often with disastrous effects. My father didn't respond well to alterations. This is a man that eats the same breakfast nearly every day.

Only when I started hanging out with my Korean friends, eating kimche and bean curd, did I start to realize there was this whole other world of food out there that I hadn't tried. When I moved to New York to be a nanny, I was dismayed to find my 5-year-old charge was more adventurous than I was. Since then, I have been working hard to broaden the ol' horizons. It's easier than it would have been 15 years ago. The internet and the food network have made it easier for aspiring foodies like me.

Hence my project.

Save for the brussels sprouts, which I've eaten a few times, all of the vegetables I have cooked with in this project I had never eaten. My opinion of parsnips, chard, and turnips hinged my ability to cook them. This week, I went with beets. Like most children, beets always seemed strange to me.

I was going to save all the salads for the summer, but the idea of eating a roasted root vegetable with a protein and a green or starch just seemed too boring for words this week. Oddly, I was in a bistro food mood. I just wanted soup, salad, and wine with crusty bread. Maybe it's the onset of spring that's making me wish I was eating outside on a little table under an awning, maybe with a view of the Seine?

Instead, I roasted and cooled some beets, sliced them and served them with blue cheese over an arugula salad with balsamic vinegar. Add some crusty bread and my new favorite under $10 wine (an organic, sustainably grown Argentinian Malbec called Vida Organica), and I had my happy little bistro meal. Last night, I made a big pot of onion soup and used up the rest of the baguette for the croutons. My gourmet cheese budget is as high as it's ever been. I used cave-aged emmentaler with my onion soup. Aspiring foody, indeed!

On the chance I may run out of new vegetables, I've decided to add grains (quinoa and bulgar come to mind) and chilis to my list. This allows me to try more Mediterranean and African cuisines, an area I have ignored for most of my life.

A first casualty

2010-02-02T20:10:00.008-07:00

This entry is actually for weeks three and four. I cooked the turnips late last week and decided to rock my parsnips tonight. I'm getting the root vegetables out of the way while it's cold enough to roast and broil and make soup. I will save the daikon and watercress for warmer weather.

Both weeks I dragged out a different ignored kitchen gadget. Last week I used the mandolin to slice up the turnips for the gratin. It made very quick work of turnips. Sadly, the vegetable peeler made quick work of the middle finger of my right hand, my soda-can-opening finger, and I'm working sans nail for a while. I worry I may always harbor a deep, subconscious resentment of turnips, treating them worst of all the root vegetables.

On the other hand, I love parsnips. I used a very good recipe for cream of parsnip soup. This recipe called for an immersion blender which I happen to have. Glad I bought all this crap and never used it.

In other news, while I am trying to eat more vegetables, my dogs are trying to get more squirrel in their diets. On Saturday, I went to feed them and Jean-Pierre was nowhere to be found. I have never had to call him more than twice for dinner, so I was worried he was into mischief. I found him patiently waiting out a squirrel in the tree. He came over once to see what I was doing but made his way back to the tree to resume his watch.

Method to the semi-madness

2010-01-23T13:49:00.004-07:00

There are two secondary reasons I chose vegetable consumption as a goal this year, in addition to the need to eat more veggies/try new things reasons.

The first reason is my salad-spinner. I started watching food network almost cultishly about 10 years ago. As soon as we had cable that offered it as a network, I started watching. That's back in the good ole days when they still showed cooking shows and everything wasn't a reality/competition/pastry show. Those just get old fast. So, for a few years, I became very immersed in that show-y food culture. I wanted a microplane and a good cast iron skillet and a salad spinner. Salad spinners aren't expensive, but I couldn't bring myself to buy one. Instead, I asked for it as a present.

The first Christmas I asked for it, I didn't get one. Followed by an unfilled birthday wish, another unfulfilled Christmas, and one more birthday. I really should have just gone to bed, bath, and beyond and picked one up, but it suddenly seemed more important than just the salad spinner. It was a test of how much my friends were listening. I began to get defensive about it. I didn't throw dinner parties or the like, so I couldn't do anything subtle and passive-aggressive like serve unwashed arugula for the first course, but I wanted someone, anyone, to give me a damn salad spinner.

So, finally, 3 years after asking, I opened my christmas presents with the hesitation of someone who's known disappointment. Instead, I got three. People finally felt so guilty about the salad spinner debacle that everyone bought me one. Triumph!

Sadly, 6 years later, I've used it maybe ten times and always to wash romaine lettuce. For all of the exotic greens I thought I would be preparing when I asked for it, I've really only graduated one step above iceberg. So, the salad spinner, mocking me on the shelf, was part of the inspiration for the veggie project.

I'll tell the other story another time. The chard went well this week. I sauteed it in olive oil and garlic with salt and pepper, and it's hard to go wrong with that. I served it with some more red potatoes and a mini meatloaf I had made a month ago and frozen. Next week: Turnips. For now, here are some pictures.

I'm determined to get better at this photography thing, too.

Don't let go, Rose

2010-01-19T11:02:00.001-07:00

I’m trying to figure out why I’m so pissed about the Avatar/James Cameron thing. I think my issue is that he is continually given awards like best picture for movies that are just pretty. Maybe the academy should create a category called technical director, and James and Sam Raimi can battle it out all day, probably using a lot of CGI. But to me, the best picture should reflect well-rounded characters, plots, themes, and concepts. Titanic is still the only movie to win Best Picture and not be nominated for Best Screenplay. The fact is, James Cameron makes visually stunning movies with very little behind them. Perhaps that is why he is lauded as the filmmaker of this generation. Style and substance have been doing battle forever. Style has been winning handily for the last 10 years. Substance is dying a slow, agonizing death at the hand of the masses.

Are we really going to give best picture to a movie cross-marketed at McDonalds?

Project: Veggies

2010-01-16T18:53:00.002-07:00

So, the veggie project got off to a slow start as my attempts to find swiss chard at my area grocery stores was a bust. I think this project will be sending me to whole foods, sunflower, or sprouts for my vegetables. I just don't think I will get 52 weeks of variety at king soopers. So, I swapped out brussels sprouts for this week. Learning in the process that brussels sprouts are named after the city of brussels and, therefore, should have the s on the end of brussels, which should be pronouced. It sounds strange to me, but at least I know. I ended up roasting the brussels sprouts with baby red potatoes, garlic, salt and pepper. It was very tasty, but I'm looking forward to swiss chard next week.

Last night some folks from work tried to go to Lala's on 7th for happy hour. After 40 minutes of drinking wine standing up, we finally agreed to leave. I consider any happy hour where I get one glass of wine and drink it standing up a failure. Boo to you Lala's.

My pictures of the brussels sprouts turned out awful. Food photography should be done during the day.

Project: Veggies

2010-01-08T12:31:00.003-07:00

I'm sort of stealing from Leslie's love letters to the city in picking a project to blog about, but I think having a forum and expectations probably extends the life of any project I take on in the new year by at least a month.

So one of my new year's resolutions is to get my 5 a day veggie servings, as recommended by the government. I won't lie, many of these servings will probably be baby carrots, celery, cucumber, and other familiar crudite with dip. But each week, I will prepare one vegetable I've never made before (even if I've eaten them, like beets). I'll try to make 'em pretty and tasty and let everyone know what I think.

I'm starting off easy this month with swiss chard. When the girls at the book club started talking about swiss chard, without me even bringing it up, it felt like veggie fate, karmacorn? No, that's awful. Well, keep you posted.

The resolutions

2010-01-03T11:09:00.003-07:00

New Year’s resolutions are the same for everyone; bad habits need to broken and good habits need to be formed. You’d think, after all my years of practice, swapping vice for virtue would be something I’d get better at. The problem, I think, is one of motivation. Moving the pieces around isn’t the hard part. Keeping them there is. Every year I claim this is the year that I keep it all together. And each year I have the evidence that I didn’t. The next year’s resolutions become even more grandiose to compensate for the failure of the year before and pretty soon it’s “discover a diamond mine and marry a movie star.” This year, my first resolution is to forget past failure. The less time I spend dwelling on the person I could have been, the better.

My other resolutions are:

Exercise more and in more ways. Take hikes, go roller skating, get off the treadmill and get out into the world.
Buy a bike and actually use it.
Eat more fruits and vegetables.
Read more non-fiction.
Try new things (restaurants, clubs, movies, events, parties)
Gather the strength to sever ties in unhealthy/stagnant relationships.
Walk the dogs more.
Floss more consistently.
Never open the second bottle of wine no matter how much you want to.
Keep the book club up and running.
Host more dinners.
Cook more meals than you eat out.
Smile at people; be more approachable.
Listen to lots of new music.
Volunteer more.
Eat mussels.
Finish your short stories, don’t just re-edit what you’ve written over and over.
Take up tennis again.

Okay, that’s it. I’ll give this a shot and see where it takes me.

Lazy but hopeful

2009-12-27T20:56:00.000-07:00

I need to start writing again. Really writing, not just posting updates to facebook. I’m getting that short attention span that Americans are famous for and find myself unable to read long magazine articles without my eyes jumping off the page from time to time. I blame this on the lack of real writing I have done since I graduated. I don’t regret the mental vacation I’ve taken in the last 7 months. Finishing my BA in 4 years while working full time took a lot out of me, and I was entitled to some down time. Now, I am feeling relatively recovered. It’s time to get back to better pursuits.

Writing more will be one of my new year’s resolutions, along with eating more vegetables and drinking less wine. I probably won’t create terribly quantitative resolutions; they’re too easy to break. Instead my resolutions will be more like guidelines, things to keep in mind when ordering food at a restaurant or deciding to play Gears of War 2 instead of finishing The Elegant Universe. I’m going to spend the rest of this week and all of the week after new year’s solidifying my resolutions and coming up with a plan. My resolutions won’t start on the first. I’m on vacation that whole week and will be as lazy and lowbrow as possible. I’m daring myself to get bored with the crap I’ve been reading and watching and listening to. We’ll see. So maybe, I’m back.

So beautiful

2009-08-27T11:58:00.001-06:00

Shame

2009-07-19T10:27:00.003-06:00

I've all but abandoned this page for facebook; it's easier. Facebook is like heating a can of soup up on the stove. This is real cooking.

Some of the things I think about or want to write about can't be discussed in 50 words, in the third person. To feel better about it I have to give the backstory, plead my case, and use first person, and I still feel more comfortable in the general anonymity of this page. It makes me feel safer when I choose to discuss some of the illogical rules that govern my life, not quite so judged. Like when I tell people that I always pay for the software I use to pirate media, they think it is strange. It's just the rule. Or another rule, don't say I love you first. I told a friend this rule, and she asked me what I would do if the other person lived by this rule, too. She was implying that my rigidity, my need for control, my trust issues were going to hurt me in the end. Probably, because they already had.

I've got very little experience with being in love. Hmm, this got more painfully confessional than I expected. I'll try again another day.

well, she probably won't talk to me again

2009-07-02T11:00:00.001-06:00

Have you ever done something kind of weird, decided to explain your choice, gotten about halfway through your explanation, and realized you would have seemed far less crazy if you hadn’t tried to justify your decision?

Just happened to me in the bathroom on my floor. I actually used the phrase buffer-stall. I’m pretty horrified. Sorry, lady.

Acting...brilliant...thank you

2009-06-28T22:39:00.003-06:00

I received the worst present ever on Valentine's Day. It was a book called Fearless Loving. My mom gave me a copy. It was my mom's way of saying, "I thought you might need some help not becoming a spinster." I donated my copy, unread, to the library. Even if I was a reader of self-help books, the stigma attached to that particular title was too much for me to ignore. As a rule, I think it is a bad idea to give anyone a self-help book unless they ask for it. Otherwise, it just seems like passive-aggressive judgment on their lives. I think we get enough unsolicited judgment from other outlets. When presed, though, I do recommend Cathryn Michon's The Grrl Genius Guide to Life. The book contains her funny stories lightly spun to be helpful advice, so I think the book is mostly just amusing. The premise behind the book, however, is important.

She points out that men are quick to call themselves geniuses for anything. "I'm a genius at the grill." "You should see me parallel park; it's genius." Women tend to demure and downplay their accomplishments. Her big lesson in the book is learning to talk yourself up, no matter how small or silly the achievement. It's a guide to self-aggrandizement. I think it is a great lesson for all women to learn.

With that in mind, I am going to say that my mediaserver is the most genius thing ever. Not only is it the first computer I built from scratch, but now that I have a working hi-def dvr on the machine, it is truly a thing of beauty. I'm just a blu-ray burner away from a lucrative piracy business on ebay.

I encourage all the girls and women out there to call themselves a genius at something today. Anything. It feels fantastic.

Managed to come back from vacation both sick and tired

2009-06-22T12:20:00.001-06:00

My vacation was not terribly relaxing. First, it is nigh impossible to travel with your family for any extended time without wanting to murder them. This trip was no exception. I think, finally, I have learned my lesson.

I’d like to say that I am more likely to post now, but I came with a story idea last night and want to develop that. In addition, my sister and I fitted up our music room yesterday. Time to start using all those shiny and costly instruments.

Wretched news on the work front

2009-06-10T13:29:00.001-06:00

When valuable employees leave, it is sad. Now I have to hire again.

Huzzah

2009-05-28T13:21:00.001-06:00

The grade I had been panicking about, having not heard anything from my teacher about my research paper, posted on Tuesday. With that final A, I am officially done with my BA. The one benefit to this delay is that it allowed me to slowly come to this realization, preventing the predicted meltdown. Right now, I am in full planning mode for Hawaii, trying to get my suitcase plan just so. My sister and I have planned the books we will share on the trip. I still have to buy Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I love leisure reading. I forgot how nice it can be. I couldn’t get into It Can’t Happen Here. I’m reading Tender Morsels right now. “It hovered there behind her at the cliff-edge, laboring to contain its glory.” I really liked the idea of being so awesome you have to labor to contain your glory.

Turns out NBA goes into June. It’s a mediocre substitute to college basketball, but it will do. I miss the 35 second shot clock, the possession arrow, and the lack of continuation. I was hoping for a Cavs/Nuggets final, but I may switch to Nuggets/Magic, just so that Nike and Vitamin Water lose a bunch of money for backing the wrong horses.

I’m going to try to be better about updating. All the blogs I read have stopped updating. There must be some May malaise happening.

My goal for Hawaii

2009-05-26T10:40:00.001-06:00

Is to not have to be air lifted out of something (beach, volcano, etc.) Hawaii is in like 18 days, and I feel completely unprepared for it.

I wish I were at the Plaza again

2009-05-22T13:20:00.001-06:00

Maybe some more dinner at Tao and a show. Anywhere but here.

wow

2009-05-14T08:18:00.001-06:00

16 minutes into my day and already agitated as fuck. Doesn’t bode well for this Thursday.

vibrations, good

2009-05-09T14:19:00.003-06:00

I'm sitting at my desk, revising my research paper, and thinking about all of the things I learned about gender equality in science and math, and suddenly, I thought about Marky Mark's Wildside.

I was suddenly very moved by "Annie's" plight. All she wanted to do was be a chemical engineer, making 50-55 thousand a year. Heaven knows we need more female chemical engineers. And now, what's left? Washed up dreams and shattered pride, all because Annie took a hit on the wildside.

I'm thinking I should try to work this anecdote into my paper somehow. What I'm less sure about is who I cite - Mark Wahlberg or Lou Reed?

nothing clever to say

2009-05-06T20:55:00.001-06:00

I just submitted my 30 page research paper. For all intents and purposes, I am finshed with my BA. I thought I was going to break down weeping, but I'm not sure it's settled in yet. I'll alert you when I have my breakdown.

Amor, sei colpa tu

2009-05-02T21:25:00.003-06:00

I'm debating, internet, if we have reached that place in our relationship where I can share my poetry with you. I'm thinking no. I mean, I just brought my toothbrush over to your house. I don't want to rush things.

There is this strange, fine line in social networking of how much to reveal about yourself. Some people have no problem exposing themselves completely. I assume these are the same people that assume their cell phone calls in the grocery store check-out lane occur in a vacuum.

I'm making my reading list for Hawaii. I intend to read upwards of a million books in the week I am on the big island. I have forgotten what reading for leisure even is. Yes, anyone who sees my goodreads list knows that I read for fun (or torture if you consider the twilight series), but since school started, it has been stolen leisure. In the back of my mind, I'm always thinking about the other things I should be doing, reading, writing. Once school is out, it is back to pure leisure reading for me, and I am ecstatic!

I'm so excited to read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies! The subtitle is fantastic: The Classic Regency Romance - Now with Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem! I'm afraid to even buy the book until right before I go to Hawaii. I know I won't be able to resist it. I looked up the author, Seth Grahme-Smith, and found all of his Huffington Post articles. I may be in love!

Speaking of being in love:
I was a Hilary girl when the whole democratic primary started (truth betold, I never really got over Howard Dean), but when Barack Obama secured the election, I jumped right on board and ordered my pins and bumper stickers (really my sister did, but...). I was an Obama supporter but not a fervent admirer. I have to admit that in the last two weeks, I have crossed over to a full-blown Obama junkie. Not just Barack, I love Michelle, too, and I love them together. I don't know if I've ever seen a political couple (hell any famous couple) that seems to be so obscenely in love. Heidi Klum and Seal come close, but I love seeing pictures of them together. I think the pictures the white house released last week have fueled all of this.

Compare-

to this

I remember the day of the inauguration. Chris loaded up the streaming feed to the inauguration, and the rest of my team stood and watched the whole thing. As Barack was being sworn in, I turned to Matt and said, "George Bush isn't the President of the United States anymore." He said, "that's fucking awesome." And it was fucking awesome, wasn't it?

ask for it by name

2009-05-01T10:07:00.001-06:00

What a terrible, terrible Friday. I’ll be doing shooters by noon, heroin by five.

worry your pretty, little head

2009-04-26T10:53:00.002-06:00

Good article in the NY Times today about Americans and our tendency to internalize success while externalizing failure. This article refers to the immense benefit that comes simply from being American. Interestingly enough, this has been a central focus of my research paper (which I have open and am pretending to work on right now). Girls externalize success (I studied really hard, I got lucky) while internalizing failure (I'm just too stupid to do this). It's been interesting to write this paper and read about the traditional behavior and treatment of girls in the classroom. All of the attention goes to the boys who blurt out answers, talk out of turn, and do all the bad things girls are socially conditioned not to do.

For me, though, I didn't recognize myself in the girls. I recognized myself in the boys. I was that obnoxious student who knew the answer to every question and strained and stretched to be noticed and called on. I harassed the teachers about my work, my ideas, and my needs. I was a classroom terror. So much so, that in 5th grade a girl named Jaime complained to the teacher that I received an unfair amount of attention in the classroom. The teacher put it to a vote and asked the other students, and they voted in my favor; Jaime had to apologize. Strangely, even after my "victory," I tried to mellow out.

I wanted what most middle school girls want in the classroom-to be invisible. I wanted to fly under the radar and avoid the ridicule of a wrong answer. It was easier for me, too, since I wasn't pretty, so it wasn't a detriment for me to be smart, because I wasn't trying to catch myself a boyfriend. Even still, I would try to silence myself. It's hard for me, though. I still want to answer the questions and be right. Even now, in college, older than the rest of the students and really just trying to eek out my degree, I tell myself not to be an active participant. Then the teacher asks a question, and my hand shoots up. And if I'm right, I internalize my success. "Man, I'm a genius," I might say. Oddly enough, I still can't take a compliment.

That is what she wished she had said

2009-04-23T12:25:00.002-06:00

Since it is Valentine's Day and we're already holding hands, I think it's probably safe to tell you I like you.

Quickly

2009-04-22T21:16:00.002-06:00

One other thing. I've been going to the gym a lot lately. I'm super proud of myself, since I could be rationalizing myself down to like one visit a week. Anyhow, you know what annoys me? When people stop and wait for a close parking space at the gym. You're going somewhere to exercise, but you won't walk an extra 50steps the building. What the hell is that about? If I happen to get a close space, great, but the people that wait for spaces are weird. They are probably the same people that come on Saturdays and dress out just to drink coffee. They never work out. It's weird.

Odd

2009-04-22T21:08:00.002-06:00

Last night, in my sleep, I got up and pulled two paintings down from my wall. When I woke up this morning, I found them on the floor. I have vague recollections of a dream about moving, but I'm surprised I was actually motivated to take them off the walls. I may be going crazy. School should be over in 4 weeks. I assume I can recapture my sanity at that time.

Tipsy confession...set to Neko Case's "Set Out Running"

2009-04-17T21:06:00.003-06:00

The most acutely aware of my loneliness I have been all year wasn't New Year's Day, Valentine's Day, my birthday, or sunset. No, it was earth hour. I turned off all the lights and drank wine by candlelight. There wasn't anything bad about it, but I realized how much easier earth hour is with someone. There was something about solitary solidarity that made me feel more alone than I ever had in my life.

In the sweet used to be

2009-04-11T21:47:00.011-06:00

Sometimes, when you are mere weeks from graduating and you just need to finish your stupid papers, you have to take a break for drag queen makeup and hair. Then, you take a bunch of pictures of yourself. Then, you edit those pictures because you don't really look that awesome. The end result is 2 hours of my life not spent on my proposal.

And this...

I kinda look like a vampire FLDS, you know, if I were a cartoon character.

she'll always be hannah neffler to me

2009-04-07T18:20:00.002-06:00

I listened to some of Rilo Kiley's stuff when I first learned that little Jenny Lewis was the lead singer of the group. I wasn't really a fan. I did, recently, download her solo stuff and have been cracked out on that for days. I love most of the songs off Acid Tongue, particularly Godspeed. It's about a friend trying to help another friend out of an abusive situation. Taken at face value, I don't have much in my life to relate it to. Taken a little more metaphorically, I think I know why it has me crying on the highway.

It could also be that I am functioning somewhere near exhaustion most of the time. Now that college basketball is over (BOOO UNC), I have my life back. Just 6 more weeks till graduation, and I've written about 60 words of my 30 page research page. Life is looking good.

I'm going to try to be more dilligent about posting, but I already feel like I live with finger to key.

margaret is a fragment of a name

2009-03-28T23:50:00.002-06:00

Sorry for the lack of updates. As per usual, march madness (and red wine) has swallowed my existence. i don't mean for this to happen every year, but it does. Nova totally busted my bracket tonight, bastards. Sadly though, basketball has me thinking about gender equity and how much harder it is to be a fan as a girl. This makes it less fun, hence the red wine (and the Neko Case).

Yep, drunk again

2009-03-20T23:04:00.002-06:00

Sure sign that I have had too much to drink: my dinner (at 10:30 PM) is composed entirely of items from the gourmet cheese section of king soopers.

de-fense

2009-03-14T20:14:00.004-06:00

I think this is going to be the best March Madness ever. I'm excited for a lot of upsets and craziness. The downside is that I'm supposed to be writing these papers for school, and I just don't care. Kansas went out in the first round of the big 12 tournament, and I have still watched an obscene amount of basketball in the last week. If my papers were about breaking the press or something, maybe I could get interested. As it is, it isn't looking good.

Says the english major

2009-03-10T08:44:00.001-06:00

Even with the gender gap for standardized testing closing, the U.S. is still not graduating enough women in the non-social sciences to stay globally competitive in these fields. Competing nations are pledging resources to increasing female participation in the STEM fields and are quickly outstripping the U.S. A change in education and encouragement for girls, from infancy through graduate work, is required to keep the U.S. competitive in a market that will require an even higher number of science, math, and engineering degree holders in the future.

Writing this paper makes me want to go out and get an engineering degree. "You say that like it's something she's even remotely capable of."

Me and French 2: A complicated history

2009-03-07T15:17:00.001-07:00

I’ve had a strange relationship with French. I love the language. I like the culture. I start over a lot with studying French. I have taken French 1 three times. Once in high school and twice in college. Both tries in college, I took French 1 again because I was worried that I had forgotten too much to jump right into French 2. It never occurred to me to take a placement test or talk to someone in the department. I just kept taking French 1 over and over again. This means that I have a fantastic command of the alphabet, the numbers, items found in a classroom, and items found in a restaurant. As long as things stay present tense, I’m golden.

To graduate from college, I have to have a two semester proficiency: French 2 we meet again. I signed up for it last semester and then dropped it; I couldn’t hack the schedule. I spent all of winter break looking for an online French 2 course that would satisfy my graduation requirements. I found one, but it was going to cost $1400 out of my pocket. Sigh. I had contemplated testing out, but I lacked the confidence to believe I could do it, that I knew enough.

I made a deal with myself last week. If I passed the test, saving myself $1400, I could keep the purse I bought in New York. If I failed, bye-bye purse. I decided to take the test this morning and get it out of the way.

I get to keep the purse.

Dear New York, I love you

2009-03-05T12:11:00.009-07:00

Just before my 19th birthday, I accepted a job in Bedford, New York as the live-in nanny for a very successful couple: a New England blue blood and a former marine. I think they probably started dating because they were the only two people tall enough for each other. She was 6’4” in bare feet (loved heels); he was 6’8”. Working for them, I got to tell people I was moving to New York. People always assume you mean the city, and I didn’t discourage them. On the weekends, or when the family was out of town, I was able to ride the train into NYC and stomp around, visiting the park and museums, places I could explore alone.

My sister came out during spring break that year, and we spent the week eating and shopping and seeing shows. We always left town on the train by sundown, like some reverse vampires, so we didn’t see much of the nightlife. Since we were both still well under 21, it probably didn’t make that much difference. Our week in NYC was spent shopping at stores like 9 & Co. (NineWest’s now-defunct younger sister) and eating at restaurants like Planet Hollywood and the Jekyll and Hyde Club. Like I said, we were under 21 and these seemed like good ideas at the time.

Eleven years later, my tastes have evolved beyond platform sandals and novelty hamburgers. So this trip, I planned different things. New York was happy to oblige. After a bad start with a cancelled flight and a scary ride from LaGuardia, the trip went beautifully. We (sis and I) got to the Plaza. I had wanted to stay there since I saw Big Business (or any other movie about New York in the 80s). We were whisked inside by the doorman, Freddie, who was very nice. At the check-in counter, we were informed that our double room was not available (gasp) but we had been upgraded to a suite (relief). “Unfortunately, that room isn’t quite ready, but please, let’s go over to the Champagne Bar where you can have a drink on us while you wait.” The waiter didn’t hesitate a second when I ordered us two glasses of Veuve Clicquot and popped a brand new bottle just for us.

Just as I reached the bottom of my glass, the phone rang; the room was ready. I apparently didn’t take any helpful pictures of the room.

To be continued...

My plan for surviving Wednesday

2009-02-25T11:36:00.003-07:00

Eat cup o' noodles until the gaping void in my soul is filled.

UPDATE: Made it through the day with just two.

Apparently the 30 freakout starts tonight

2009-02-21T21:46:00.002-07:00

It's all red wine and chick flicks/lit from here on out.

Blogging from an ipod touch sucks

2009-02-19T18:45:00.000-07:00

That is all

Everything old

2009-02-17T21:03:00.002-07:00

I got too drunk at happy hour to go to school. This is my senior semester in my second attempt at college, and this is the first time I have been too busy drinking to go to class.

The earlier, drunker me was going to write about how finally meeting this college right of passage made me feel nostalgic for something I hadn't experienced. I knew there was a big german word for that precise sentiment. I knew I had either read it at Leslie's site or in a Douglas Coupland novel. It was Leslie's site; the word is Blinderflecknostalgie.

Thank goodness for the blogs.

The earlier, drunker me was also going to tell a long, convoluted story about my hideous college roommate and how, on her last night in Colorado, we convinced her that my friend Rich was illiterate. The thought of her helping him read through the bar menu at the pool hall still makes my sides ache with laughter.

Mostly sober now.

Even in the future nothing works

2009-02-17T14:18:00.000-07:00

I’ve been flirting with expanding my virtual presence. I can hardly get motivated to maintain my real friendships, so I wonder how successful I would be at maintaining virtual ones. Given my past experience, the one where I don’t respond to friend requests or emails (not maliciously), I don’t know if social networking is for me. Goodreads, librarything, and linkedin are the only ones I look at regularly. Considering that I update linkedin for my job, the only other sites I maintain are book sites. Does that mean I like books more than people? Probably.

What is the real benefit of social networking?

A run down of the last week

2009-02-13T21:20:00.003-07:00

Dealt with the layoffs in my own way. Drank vodka, ate chocolate, read trashy books, and ignored the little pit in my stomach that refused to leave me alone.

That Friday, as I was leaving Target and feeling unbalanced, I spotted the Great Clips across the parking lot. I decided to get a haircut. I wanted to remove any temptation to do it myself. I have a weird affliction. When I get it in my head that I need a haircut, I have to have one or else I do it myself. I was wise enough to recognize that I was in no position to cut my hair, so I had a weird guy who smelled like fritos and cigarettes do it instead.

Read the entire twilight series this week. Felt lame about it. They are just not good books, but I got caught up in one of the character and felt compelled to keep going. It was like reading Harry Potter and the only character I cared about was Neville Longbottom. Sort of misses the point?

Now I have to get into academic reading mode and psyche myself up for books like Athena Unbound and Women in Engineering.

Work was okay. I feel better about things now. Thanks for the kind words, all.

Pink slips

2009-02-06T21:05:00.001-07:00

I just tempted the fates with the statement, “don’t I at least deserve this.” I should have been grateful that the axe didn’t fall on me today, and to ask, so soon, a favor of fortune was unwise.

I’m on my fifth vodka, trying to wash the distaste of today out of my mouth. It was unpleasant and made my hands shake. Worst of all it made me vulnerable; I hate that. I was betrayed by my red eyes and quivering voice. I prayed that I would make into my car before I wept. I did. I’ve been asking a lot in prayer today.

I have to hope that next week isn’t so bad. There will be a lot of ghosts in the office, and I am susceptible to haunting.

For God and Country...and three points

2009-02-02T23:36:00.002-07:00

There is a moral to this. There is no such thing in this world as love. Until the day we go to Heaven, there is only childish infatuation and jealousy, duty, despair. A sickly moral, admittedly, but better than endless burning.

I wanted him to make me feel pretty. Isn't that sad? - The Sunlight Dialogues

Given the near collapse of my circle of friends over the last year, I have, again, begun to question the practicality of monogamy. If the friends I chose at twenty don't hold up when I'm thirty, I really wonder how I can pick one person who works out forever. And forever isn't even really forever. It's like 75 years max, a tiny little blip on the scale of cosmic time, but we call it forever when someone makes it to that 75th anniversary, because hell, it may as well be.

Perhaps it is me (most likely it is me). I hemorrhage friends, always have. I outgrow them, or they outgrow me, or they stop being worth the effort. The trick, it would seem, to successful monogamy is to find someone who is always worth the effort. Maybe committment, ideally, isn't what you pledge to someone, but rather what they inspire in you.

I got a beard on my hand

2009-01-28T14:00:00.002-07:00

I’m not sleeping well. I go to bed between 11 and Midnight. I’m sleepy when I turn out the lights, reading until my eyes get heavy. Without fail, and with no regard the number of OTC sleeping pills I’ve taken, I pop awake between 3:30 and 4 AM and sleep fitfully until 7 AM. I can hardly get up in the morning to go to work. Usually when I am exercising, which I am right now, I don’t have sleep problems, so I am quick to blame this on one of the three new medications my endocrinologist prescribed for my newly diagnosed hypothalamus hypogonadism (previously I had been diagnosed with PCOS). I admit that the 10 year old in me totally snickered at the inclusion of the term “gonad” in my diagnosis. Thank you, Beavis and Butthead. One of my meds, Byetta, I inject into my thigh (the nurse at the office called it my meat, which I found off-putting). Byetta is interesting in that you know it is working if you feel horribly nauseated. One of the benefits of this medicine is that it helps you lose weight. It feels like chemical bulimia, no wonder it helps me lose weight. I’ve spent the first three hours of the last fifteen days feeling like crap, but it’s getting incrementally better.

New York is just around the corner, and I spend my free time picking out restaurants to try. By my count, we will have to eat 19 times in 3 days to hit all of the restaurants I want to visit. I, predictably, have created a spreadsheet to keep track of the optimal times to go to each of the restaurants and to remind myself about making reservations. I’m only truly happy when I can obsess over something. I had to transfer my mania from the Hauppauge HD PVR to the trip because the PVR was driving me crazy.

So let's crush that fly

2009-01-16T08:05:00.002-07:00

My prom sucked: Not just my experience at the prom, but, really, the whole thing. The junior class throws the prom for the senior class ahead of them. If you have an eager, motivated bunch, you end up with a nice prom, like the one in any number of teen movies. If you have a bunch of gen y slacks, you get “One Night in Paris,” replete with shitty cardboard reproduction of the Eiffel Tower and bad pastries, hosted at the Colorado Art Institute because the juniors waited too long to book and all of the hotel ballrooms were taken.

The guy I had secretly hoped to go with was going with another girl, one who had been a friend and then, in the way of high school girls, abruptly stopped. The two groups of single people I tried to glom onto managed to shake me, so I ended up going alone in my mom’s 1991 Toyota Camry. I stayed about two hours: long enough to make the rounds, find someone in my exact same dress (a trashy, awful girl who brought her 35 year old husband as her date), receive no compliments on my homemade handbag and wrap, and be asked to dance zero times.

I had always equated prom with magic (common theme in my early life and this from a non-Catholic). There was this expectation, from all of those stupid 80s movies, that prom somehow fixed everything that had gone wrong in high school. Couples that were meant to be somehow found each other on prom night. Bad people were punished. The punishment could be innocuous, like public embarrassment and a food fight (a la Valley Girl), or death (a la Carrie). I wandered around my prom waiting for this whirling of the cosmos to happen, but it didn’t. I was home by 10:30 PM.

This year I turn 30, and I thought it might be fun to host a prom for my birthday. I was going to sell tickets (for a great dinner, of course) and hire a DJ and make everyone wear prom dresses and spike the punch and all of those goofy things associated with prom, but the more I thought about it, though, the more I feared I was still looking for this prom miracle. I would go through all of this trouble and expense of throwing this prom, and in the end, I would be out in the parking lot waiting for Andrew McCarthy (except not, cause no...maybe Jake Ryan instead). I would just be disappointed again.

So instead, I am going to NYC with my sister for 3 days. I plan to eat at great restaurants and see a show and not throw a prom. This solution helps me meet one of my new year’s resolutions as well. I have a problem saying no. Instead of saying no, I’ll do things for people and then resent the shit out of them. This way, I get a trip instead of the logistical headache of party planning. Yay for New York.

In other news, I love Vanity Fair. I'm about half way through, and I'm beginning to see why people didn't like the movie.

One month, to the day

2009-01-05T22:40:00.002-07:00

Wow, I am embarrassed that it has been so long since I last posted. And really, a Bratz/Barbie post? Not the way to go out. I offer the following excuses; choose the one you like best.

1. I can't post from work anymore.
2. The O key broke on my laptop about a month ago, so I can't post from bed.
3. When I think about posting, I mostly want to rant about people in my life that either read the page or could find it. I hate being passive-aggressive on the internet. (This excuse is totally passive-aggressive).
4. I feel exhausted by my life.

Since it is the new year, and I have set the resolution to stopping enabling people, and consequently resenting them, I am only post good, upbeat, non-resentful things.

1. I'm going to New York for my 30th birthday. I'm staying at the Plaza (ooh la la), trying to get tickets to the Daily Show taping, making reservations at all sorts of lovely restaurants, and planning some crazy shopping with my very generous sister.
2. I got a new pair of Nike shoes, the ones that talk to your iPod.
3. I got a new iPod Touch from my boss, the ones that talk to your Nike shoes.
4. I found another link to my favorite Nike commercial that hasn't been pulled down for copyright violation.
5. I'm 16 weeks away from finishing my BA.
6. I finally watched the Star Wars trilogy and got all the nerds in my life off my back.
7. I ordered the replacement O key for my laptop.

I'm going to be better about this writing thing this year. But if not, see you in 2010.

Well, it's friday

2008-12-05T08:45:00.002-07:00

I'm not sure which is sadder, that I ever owned a Bratz doll (try 20), or that I'm sad I sold my Bratz dolls, given that they have been ordered to stop sales. I guess they would be collectibles now? Barbie won.

Embarrassing Confessional 1

2008-11-30T22:21:00.001-07:00

Since playing through Gears of War 1 and 2 recently, I have had to start closing my closet door at night to stop the nightmares about locust soldiers coming into my room to kill me. I turn 30 in March.

Semester ends December 8th. I have 6 revisions, a final exam, and a term paper due. If I survive, I will be sure to let you know how my holiday party goes and whether or not I will be able to pay American Express their money.

Sweet Jesus

2008-11-28T13:40:00.002-07:00

A worker died of a heart attack after being stampeded at a Walmart black Friday sale. Four others were hurt.

The world done gone nuts. Tonight I am going to have some cocoa, decorate the Christmas tree with my sister, and not set foot in a retail establishment. I'm pretty thankful for that.

Update: And two others were killed at a Toys R Us in a gun battle. Sounds like something fake, from a movie, does it?

Shrug

2008-11-22T17:00:00.003-07:00

I have a good job with a nice, important sounding title. It could even be a career. I'm about to finish my BA. I pay my rent. I own a car. I am, by most available measures, a grown-up. Why do I feel like an idiot child so often? This icky, deep, resonating feeling that I'm just a stupid kid, it's always there. I worry about what I say, and how I'll be judged, and it threatens to swallow me up. I feel like I'm in 10th grade, and I haven't done my homework. I am eternally prepared to be ill-prepared and nothing I do seems to change that. It's especially hard when I feel like the punk kids on shows like the Hills have everything better assembled than I do.

Uno mas

2008-11-05T00:38:00.003-07:00

To watch a concession speech by a candidate I didn't vote for was priceless. I couldn't have asked for a better night. It was an incredible evening. To Ethan, Ian, Molly, and babies everywhere--this was for you! We're going to try to get this country in shape for you.

Best. Party. Ever.

2008-11-05T00:18:00.003-07:00

What an amazing night to be with friends and right-minded (left-minded) individuals. To drink a toast, with my friends, to the improbable victory of Barack Obama? Fucking unbelievable. Thanks to everyone who came!

Seriously. I can't stop crying. It was that amazing.

I beseech thee.

2008-11-04T08:45:00.001-07:00

Please vote. PLEASE.

Curiouser and Curiouser

2008-11-01T21:17:00.002-06:00

I had no idea that Anne Rice is now a Christian lit writer!?! The author of Interview with a Vampire and Beauty's Punishment (an S&M novel) is now looking to take "whatever I learned from being a vampire writer, or whatever I was -- to be able to take those tools now and put them in the service of God."

So weird.

I've been at my computer too long. Won't this semester just be over already.

Elizabeth Montgomery, Samantha on Bewitched, read Beauty's Punishment as a book on tape. I find that interesting and strange. She was also a grand marshal at the Los Angeles gay rights parade with Dick Sargent, who was gay. So many fascinating tidbits on the wikipedia.

UPDATE: Blood pressure 140/95...gurgle

2008-10-24T09:59:00.004-06:00

Ooh, I smell desperation. There is a story circulating ye old internet right now about a girl that was mugged, beaten, and then scarred as her attacker (guess what a young, black man!) carved a B into her face. Supposedly, this started as a simple ATM robbery. When the alleged assailant saw her McCain sticker, he decided to teach her a lesson and make her a Barack Obama supporter.

Here’s the picture of the alleged victim.

Hmmm. Uh, why is the B backwards? If someone were holding her down and carving (more like scratching) a letter into her face, wouldn’t he write it forward?

Anyone seen Mean Girls? There’s a scene where Karen (the super dumb one) is staring in the mirror putting rhinestones on her chest for prom. In the mirror, it looks like a perfect K, but when she turns around, the K is backwards. Now, I am not going to write this off completely, but hell, even the Pittsburgh police department is listing this as an unsubstantiated case. I think this very stupid girl decided to try to drum up some publicity for John McCain while, at the same time, using the classic crime deflection tactic of blaming a black man. She scratched this into her face looking in the mirror, all the while thinking how clever she is.

Let’s examine what we know so far.

She claims the robbery happened when she went to take money out of the ATM. ATM security footage shows no attack. (This lady needs to watch more CSI or possibly Murder by Numbers with Sandra Bullock. ATM footage plays heavily into that film).

She refused medical attention.

Her reports to police are inconsistent. In her second interview, she claimed she was sexually assaulted. She neglected to say that in her first interview.

A knife would have done way more damage or at least broken the skin.

THE B IS BACKWARDS!!!

Hilarious that this comes on the heel of John Murtha catching hell for saying Western Pennsylvania is still undeniably racist. Way to prove him right.

UPDATE!

Yeah, the bitch made it up. Now, of course, it is because of her mental illness. CNN has yet to put this up on the front page. Bastards. I hope they throw the book at this girl.

Ignorance is bliss

2008-10-22T12:57:00.001-06:00

Although I love school, education does take the magic out of things. I’m working on a paper for my sex and gender class, about gender construction in film. One of the articles I am reading stated: “Popular films such as Pretty in Pink and Sixteen Candles presented girls as neoconservative adolescents perpetuating images of Daddy’s girl.” I was forced, after reading that, to really think about Samantha Baker and the silliness of placing all your hopes and dreams on a boy. During that movie, no girl succeeded at anything but securing a man (except for Joan Cusack who succeeded in drinking water). Before I went to college, I didn’t really think of things as they related to a post-feminist metaphor. Some days, I just really want Jake Ryan to show up in his Porsche, mouth “yeah you,” and throw me a private birthday party while strains of the Thompson Twins play in the background.

Because he refused to put the top back on the mustard jar

2008-10-10T13:48:00.001-06:00

Apathy is the new polyester. Ennui is the new smoking. Willful belly button-pickin' ignorance of world events, environmental issues, energy policy is no longer considered cute and obvious and painfully American. Can you imagine?

Yes, Mark Morford, I can, and I am ecstatic. I'm tired of willful ignorance.

Not if you're going to insult me

2008-10-10T13:18:00.002-06:00

I'm not much of a farmer. Last year we managed basil, zucchini, and pumpkin. Amidst all the great depression talk of the recent days, I wonder if next year we have to grow a garden out of necessity. If I have to survive off my green thumb, I am worried for the future.

It is very strange. I should probably stock up on fabric and thread so I can make my own clothes next year. I'd really like to get a pattern for the FLDS dresses.

The Robber Barrons

2008-10-08T12:48:00.002-06:00

At Beth and Ann's send off a few weeks ago (Labor day gasp!), we (Leslie, Erica, Ann, Ann's friend Christy? and I) were discussing atheism and charity, lamenting that a good-hearted atheist didn't have many options for donating money that wasn't directly linked to a religious organization. We, the good-hearted atheists, want to help, we do, but we don't want our charity or volunteer hours tied to a ideological system that works against many of the things we believe it. It is hard to decide when and how to disclose that you're an atheist to someone. Most people seem shocked when I tell them I am an atheist, inspecting me closer like they will find a tail or the mark of the beast. Note to crazies: I can't worship Satan (God's first fallen Angel) without believing in God.

We moved to the subject of new Atheist churches springing up in urban centers across the country, including one here in Denver. We want a sense of community and a place to turn in times of crisis. We want a place to channel our resources to build something bigger than ourselves. We may even want to attend church picnics or raffles and have a place to take our kids after school. We are moral, decent people who want to be around other moral, decent people, but we don't want that tied to religious doctrine. We do right because we should, not because we believe our reward is in heaven.

I'm reading an NYTimes article about the new golden age of philanthropy. Interesting line - Put them together with Andrew Carnegie, famous for his freethinking, and three of the four greatest American philanthropists have been atheists or agnostics. (The exception is John D. Rockefeller.)

Check that out. Go atheists.

It doesn't take a nucular scientist to pronounce foilage.

2008-10-03T08:49:00.002-06:00

Apparently Webster's has caved and added the Palin/Bush pronunciation of nuclear to their website. I am shocked and appalled.

Do you ever think anything you don't say?

2008-10-02T10:16:00.002-06:00

Seriously, do you?

Anyhow, in more pressing news, I answered a call today from a former employer (a former library employer). The call was from a guy who once turned me down for a technical position saying the job in question wasn't entry level, implying that my technical skill set was.

Predictably, he asked to be transferred to technical support, since girls don't do tech support. He also needed to be handheld through an extremely easy upgrade that someone with an advanced skill set should have been able to handle. It took all my restraint not to mention, "I applied for a job with your department when I clerked at that place, but it worked out since I'm now the manager of a support department in a way better work environment." Or at the very least, "I applied for this job while on shift at the library."

warms my heart

2008-10-01T10:04:00.002-06:00

a big wednesday shoutout to the lady in the nissan who rolled down her window and yelled across the three-way stop about how much she loved my sign (women for obama). she followed that up with a hearty thumbs-up.

it started my day off right.

You are my sunshine

2008-09-30T22:14:00.000-06:00

So, last Thursday I replaced my video card to get rid of an annoying, intermittent hum that I was sure was coming from the ailing fan on my video card. I snapped in the new video card and booted up my machine. The hum was back. Crap. That meant it was my CPU fan or my power supply. Given the onboard foolishness of dell, I knew I was in for a long evening. It turned out to go quickly, because as I was messing around with the CPU, I snapped the fan off the processor and bent about ¼ of the tiny hair like pins on the bottom of the processor.

Thursday and Friday night were spent hunched over the box, screwdriver in hand as I tore machines apart, looking to harvest parts from our other retired machines, hoping for a Frankenstein’s monster type solution to my dilemma. I swapped in some new parts but nothing was coming together. Damn it. I had to replace at least my motherboard and my processor. After interviewing a few of the unemployed cases we had in the house, I realized the case would have to be new too. And the RAM. Ugh, the whole proposition set me back about $350 that I didn’t have, but I need a computer for school and the like (WoW).

Saturday was spent in various waiting rooms. The Kaiser visit was too harrowing to recount; I’ve had blood drawn 8 times since May, so you think I would be used to it. The visit to Stevenson Toyota was unplanned, occurring after I heard this clicking noise when I drove. The clicking noise came from the 2 two-inch nails in my tire. I was sinking into the despair that comes when your world feels like it is falling down around you. All the little things go wrong, and you start to prepare yourself for the big things to go wrong.

On Monday, they did. When I went to reinstall Windows on my new hard drive, I noticed that my old hard drive, which had 4 partitions, now only had two and that they were raw partitions. That meant that all of my writing, all my college assignments, my pictures, my MP3s, everything was gone. At that point, I wept.

The bright spot comes from R-Studio data recovery software. I’m not one for gushing editorials, but this software totally saved my ass. For $50, it found and restored all of the above files, complete and intact. I was able to restore my outlook and all my email. I wept again, this time with joy! Thank you, R-Studio. I heart you and would totally take you to the prom. You restored my files and my spirits.

Confession of perversion

2008-09-29T15:50:00.003-06:00

I love seeing the pictures of men crying into their hands when the DOW drops. For the last few days CNN has been a wealth of these photos. I don't know why it makes me feel better, but it does.

GRWWWEAAAAAAAAAAAAR

2008-09-29T09:02:00.000-06:00

so annoyed.

an industrial area zoned for blight

2008-09-17T12:30:00.002-06:00

People that I read and respect are distraught and upset over the death of David Foster Wallace. I had the decency to look puzzled while reading the heartfelt memorials, comfortable with my ignorance. I hate being the person that only takes an interest in people after they die. I don’t like reading about iTunes sales skyrocketing after someone croaks; posthumous success depresses me. I have a weird concept of ownership with the artists I enjoy (the kind that makes you resent any success they have because you have to share them more). This ownership can also make you childish with other fans, comparing the dates your first encountered said artist, gloating over the ones you beat, deferring to the ones you don’t, wishing for an experience similar to hearing the Beatles rehearse for the first time or proofreading the Bible for a friend. And if that artist should die, your grief is real and you resent the people picking up the artist’s work for the first time: soulless, grave-robbing wretches.

And so, when I came across Mark Morford’s eulogy with links to Wallace’s work, I didn’t want to seem overeager to read his work, like I am encroaching on the ownership of true believers , but one of his famous essays is Shipping Out: On the (nearly lethal) comforts of a luxury cruise. Having just returned from an Alaska cruise, I couldn’t resist. It is delightful. Now I will probably go buy Infinite Jest like the soulless, grave-robbing wretch that I am.

*edit*
This passage describes an identical conundrum Villi and I had about overtipping our awesome cabin steward, Francisco, and undertipping our stupid, useless headwaiter Paul (who could never remember if he visited our table already).

Tibor's ambition is someday to return to his native Budapest for good and with his Nadir savings open a sort of newspaper-and-beret type sidewalk cafe that specializes in something called cherry soup. With this in mind, two days from now in Fort Lauderdale I'm going to tip the Tibster way more than the suggested $3 U.S. per diem, balancing out my total expenses by radically undertipping both our liplessly sinister maitre d' and our sommelier, an unctuously creepy Ceylonese guy the whole table has christened the Velvet Vulture.

Unfortunately, Royal Caribbean has instituted pre-paid gratuity packages that pre-define how much each person gets. The night we put our envelopes together, we, regrettably, had no extra cash for Francisco. I'm sorry, Francisco.

continued

2008-09-16T13:51:00.005-06:00

1 Picture = 1,000 words = I don't have to write anymore

Me making fun of the chinese gymnasts and their obscene amount of hair clips

The Val Kilmer Mobile made for me by my team at work while I was on vacation (seriously, not kidding)

An interesting sunset

three sets of keys, none of them work

2008-09-16T10:52:00.006-06:00

Vacation was…stressful. My recommendation for anyone considering going to Alaska is to just go to Alaska. Skip the cruise. Really, should you pay for the privilege of motion sickness, bad food, a twin bed, and doddering old people with entitlement issues? I don’t think so. That said, actual Alaska was amazing. We saw the Mendenhall Glacier and got in about a 1-mile hike in Tongass National Rainforest. That was beautiful. It reminded me of Stephen Colbert’s White House Press Correspondents Dinner performance (the infamous one), where he tells a glacier joke and follows it with, “Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.”

Now, I am home and have no interest in doing anything. At all. I just want to stay in bed all day and read, and when the reading gets too taxing, I will sleep, and if I don’t feel like sleeping, I will just stare at the ceiling and empty my head of any thoughts.

I’m sorry. Soon I will get my pep back, and I will write lots of interesting things. Instead, I invite you to view some pictures from my vacation.

The lobby art at the Hotel Max in Seattle

Sea, clouds, then mountains

The Glacier

My cool mining train picture

A different glacier, from the boat

You go squish now

2008-09-03T14:41:00.002-06:00

I am mere hours away from the start of my 11 day vacation. The last few weeks have been really rough, and I need this vacation to be nearly perfect. I'm just going to put it out to the universe that seeing the aurora borealis on the cruise would make me happy. First, I have to finish laundry, packing, and homework. And soon, off to Alaska.

My hope is that this trip will recenter me and make me less crazed, so here's hoping.

I want to help you George Washington

2008-08-29T14:19:00.004-06:00

Even your dreams are square.

I hate people who pronounce template with a long A. Webster's agrees with me, as there isn't even a second pronunciation offered. Vindactite me, Noah Webster.

By contrast, I love forehead kisses. I also love seeing older product packaging when I watch old movies - like 1980s Pepsi cans and old Wheaties boxes.

Stupid people

2008-08-25T11:08:00.001-06:00

I don't talk fast. You just think slow.

gurgle

2008-08-15T12:01:00.001-06:00

So, I’m overwhelmingly busy. Drowning in my life and having migraines. It is super fun. Vegas was quite exhausting and weird. A cockroach actually fell on my head. For real. Will write more later. Kisses.

eek - scary babies

2008-08-06T11:03:00.002-06:00

Just logging in to say hello. The start page for blogger was dedicated to baby blogs. The pictures were kinda scary because newborn babies (particularly Caucasian ones) are weird looking. Anyhow, I'm off to Vegas soon. Gonna try to finish Ka without any freak power outages. With a lotta luck, I will win the megabucks and will be posting next time from my solid gold chair. I don't know, maybe you have to custom order that kind of thing?

sad realization

2008-07-31T19:46:00.001-06:00

I'm just not cool enough for PJ Harvey. Lord knows I tried.

tipsy and reading jane austen at 3.30 am

2008-07-27T03:24:00.002-06:00

More than seven years were gone since this little history of sorrowful interest had reached its close; and time had softened down much, perhaps nearly all of peculiar attachment to him - but she had been too dependent on time alone; no aid had been given in change of place or in any novelty or enlargement of society; - No one had ever come within the Kellynch circle, who could bear a comparison with Frederick Wentworth, as he stood in her memory.

sigh

DRUNK!

2008-07-19T02:34:00.002-06:00

Woke up on the floor of the living room to Gloria Estefan telling Rachael Ray that she had lost her skirt on tour, to which Rachael replied NO! I'm pretty sure this wasn't a dream or a hallucination. I then climbed into an alternating hot and cold bath. It did make me feel better, but it reminded me of drivers' ed in high school. When they would ask you that trick question.

Which of these will sober you up faster?
A) a cold shower
b) a cup of coffee
c)Monsters
d)None of the above

Since my answer, tonight, would have been a) I realize I didn't remember a damn thing from drivers' ed except the underriding video. Underriding was when a car would slide under an unguarded semi-truck and the driver was decapitated. Scarred for life.

Bed time now.

I want a big bag of little donuts

2008-07-16T09:28:00.000-06:00

My commitments for the next ten days:

10-15 minute documentary. I got 34 seconds done last night; it took 3 hours. Due July 23rd

8-10 page research paper about intercultural communication. I haven’t chosen a topic or done thing one for research. Due July 27th

Villi’s birthday – awesome, but consuming. Duties will include, but are not limited to, fetching drinks, cleaning the house, and acquiring birthday donuts on Sunday.

Company conference – will swallow my life next Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday from about 6 AM to 10 PM each day.

If I survive, I have a whole week off before the start of fall semester, but only if I survive.

My mania is manifesting itself in interesting ways. My last dream before I woke up this morning was strange. Michael Cera (of Superbad and Juno fame) and I were performing sketch comedy. Our sketch was about two people who had fallen in love playing Halo over XBOX Live. They decided to wear their headsets for the entire ceremony with the bride (me) carrying my controller instead of a bouquet. And then it was time to go to work.

Yep.

Probably no more posts for the week, but I look forward to returning to my former posting glory.

Drowning and annoyed

2008-07-08T08:46:00.002-06:00

Party was lovely. School is deadly. Work is annoyed...no, wait. I am annoyed.

Possible new favorite cover song

2008-06-28T11:30:00.002-06:00

Deftones - Jealous Guy
Album: Instant Karma: The Amnesty International Campaign to Save Darfur {The complete recordings}.

Should probably be doing my homework

2008-06-27T20:44:00.002-06:00

Ended up watching Step Up (teen dance movie) and Fabulous (documentary about queer cinema), tonight. Did it all with PowerPoint opened, like I was actually working on my stupid narrative photo essay. I'm going to flunk out of school. Ooh, Tremors.

Really liked this line - "Hearts don’t break harder or softer based on your demographic."

It means Luca Brassi sleeps with the fishes

2008-06-26T06:29:00.002-06:00

Sorry for the lack of updates. I'm having a hard time staying afloat this semester, and every word I write is owed to teachers or bosses. I hope things loosen up after 4th of July. Until then, stay cool internet. Have fun in the sun, get laid in the shade.

Romantic glare? Really

2008-06-13T14:39:00.002-06:00

I remember being told that the person you are at 25 is the person you are forever. This is obviously not true, and I’m not just referring to biology.

But I do acknowledge some truth to the idea of a more fixed identity after 25. Really, at 25, you can start controlling your surroundings. For 20 years, you have been forced into places with people you didn’t identify with, or even really like. They, however, kept you elastic and mutable to change. You learned to deal with aggravations, annoyances, and differences in character. After high school, college, and entry-level jobs, though, you start to settle into your rut. You find a company to work for, you get comfortable with your job, you don’t meet as many new people, and you are less likely to go on adventures, knowing full well that you usually just end up damp, tired, and missing a sock. For the most part, you are right, those adventures aren’t usually a good idea, but you acknowledge that you are starting to close yourself off to new experiences. You know what you like, so why mess with a good thing, right?

Your circle of friends becomes smaller and watertight. These people don’t challenge you and if you argue, you are on the same side. You lose the ability to tolerate dissent. You hear less criticism, so you are less prepared to handle it. Changes start to…upset you. You become fixed, petrified. You stop learning from your mistakes. Growth is based on feedback, and as you get older, you tend to fortify yourself against feedback; you avoid the mirrors. I know I have, and it worries me. How do we keep growing and bettering ourselves if we don’t look at ourselves?

There is also a saying that we hate the people that remind us the most of ourselves, or that we hate the traits that remind us of our own bad behaviors. Before I turned 25, I only believed this in the abstract; it didn’t apply to me, because I was perfect. Now, I’m starting to realize this is how I will get most of my feedback from now on – the people in my watertight friend ship (gag).

So, without further ado, lessons I am learning about myself through other people.

1) People don’t respect your boundaries. They apply their boundaries to you. This goes for personal space, intimacy, feelings, etc. Don’t expect people to guess your boundaries. You will have to tell them.
2) Subtlety rarely works. You may hint, gesture, glare, whatever, but if you don’t tell people what you want, that is all the out that many people need. You may feel like you are being rude or condescending, but it is the only option with some people. And you won’t hurt their feelings because everyone has to treat them this way.
3) Passive-aggression is easy, but wrong.
4) Not having an opinion doesn’t always make you easy-going. Sometimes people will think you are dispassionate or lazy. I am slowly learning that “it doesn’t matter to me” doesn’t tell someone I’m a team player. It tells them I’m happy on the bench.
5) Only your significant other should have to fake an interest in your interests. Don’t ask your friends to do it; they won’t care. (Note to self: stop buying books as presents unless I’ve actually seen someone in the throes of novel reading).
6) If you are the only person bringing up a subject, no one else is interested. For me, this happens when I am trying to get something done that other people don’t care about. You can bring a subject up twice. If all you get is a “yeah” or “that’s interesting” no one else cares.
7) If you are a type A person who feels compelled to plan things, do not think that others will “just” reciprocate. If you always put things together, it doesn’t inspire others to work; it just enables them to not work. They will not change unless you let an event fall totally on its face (passive-aggression) or if you actually tell them that you feel burdened and would like help (see number 2). Otherwise, embrace the cliché that a good deed is its own reward.
8) If you tell people things are fine when they aren’t, but complain, people won’t understand your emotional shift and they may chalk it up as whining. Make your case as clear as possible. This realization comes from my business class about attribution error as well, not just the people I know. We assume things happen to people for internal reasons, rather than external. If you don’t let people know what the external stuff is, humans (by nature) will assume you just can’t get your shit together.
9) Change is rare. Situations will often repeat themselves. It is pointless to waste energy railing against fundamentally broken things. I am still learning to choose good battles.
10) Politeness can be misconstrued.
11) Assertiveness is the most important thing a woman can master.
12) There is a fine line between confidence and self-aggrandizement.

This list is not exhaustive. I may continue on, but this has been weighing on me for a while, and I needed to get this out.

Movie quote of the day

2008-06-10T09:05:00.003-06:00

The starbucks I most often frequent has a series of chalkboards beneath the espresso machines. One chalkboard always has a suggested drink. The other always has the movie quote of the day. So far, they haven't stumped me. Today's quote was "Back off, man. I'm a scientist." This is one of my favorite Dr. Venkman lines. I used to think I was alone in missing the old Bill Murray. I don't always like the new, middle-aged malaise Bill Murray.

I liked this McSweeney's about the new Bill Murray in a sequel to Ghostbusters.

I have this fear that if I go to another starbucks today, they would have the same chalkboard and the same quote. It's that creepy device of big chains to create hollow uniqueness, false authenticity.

Another Douglas Coupland quote.

"Then Michael pointed out that a few years ago there was a minor furor over the ethics of Dairy Queen, who sent their franchisees hamburger patties that were pseudo-randomly shaped, with little bumpies around the patty's edges, so that burger's consumer would feel more as though they were having a "handmade" burger. In this same spirit, one wonders if the Gap randomly assigns nonstandardized clothing items to its various outlets so as to simulate the illusion of regional variety."

Down boy

2008-06-09T11:46:00.000-06:00

Somewhere between Friday night and Saturday morning, I pinched a nerve in my left shoulder. I woke up in an impressive amount of pain, since all of my sleeping positions aggravated the problem. That said, I took copious amounts of OTC sleep aid, Advil, and one purloined Vicodin and slept 26 hours in two days. It still isn’t healed, but I have movement back and my fingers aren’t numb. Saturday I took to holding my arm at my side, elbow bent to a ninety degree angle. It worked, but it made me feel like Bob Dole. In fact, I even stuck a pen in my left hand and walked around like the former republican presidential candidate. Now, as you read, I have enough dexterity in my hands to type.

I think I caused this by reading 200 pages of “Water for Elephants” while propped on my elbows in bed. Foolish, foolish me.

What about boo-berry?

2008-06-03T19:10:00.004-06:00

Just a quick post while I wait for UPS to deliver my stupid text books for the semester.

Today, at work, we were talking about sugar cereal and Marxism at the same time. I quickly realized this may be the only time in my life I could talk about the passage below in a relevant conversation. Still reeling my my missed La Boheme opportunity, I jumped right in. I read the passage aloud; most found it amusing.

It is from Douglas Coupland's Microserfs. The setup is that two of the characters keep choosing radical and militant political affiliations, while harrassing others in the house for being "arrogant bourgeois cochon," "cryptofascist," and "benignly centrist." The political debate rages and in response the characters come up with a list of sugar cereals and label them either as capitalist (decadent) or Marxist (non-decadent).

CAP'N CRUNCH:
Reason this cereal is decadent:
a) Colonial exploiter pursues naïve Crunchberry cultures to plunder.
b) Drunkenness, torture, and debauchery implicit in long ocean cruises.

SUGAR FROSTED FLAKES:
Reason this cereal is decadent:
Silky throated military-industrial complex spokestoad "Tony the Tiger" exploits the need of the undereducated underclass for a paternalistic, Reagan-like figure. A cautionary tale of the perils of not indoctrinating at the creche level.

TRIX:
Reason this cereal is decadent:
Well-meaning rabbit, "Trix," kept in continual state of malnutrition/subservience by dominant children of the parasitic bourgeoisie. "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids" can only be construed as a call to class warfare.

LUCKY CHARMS:
Reason this cereal is decadent:
Man with no known adult friends lures children into forest for purpose of nutritonal (ideological) seduction. Sprightly twinkle motif on packaging (putatively an allusion to "flavor") are, in fact, metaphors for soul-deadening sucrose.

RICE KRISPIES:
Reason this cereal is decadent:
Snap, Krackle, and Pop thinly veiled emblems for the Trilateral Commission.

COCOA PUFFS:
Reason this cereal is decadent:
"I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs," the demented cackle of Sonny the Cocoa Puffs bird/spokesmuppet, is resonant with the insanity inherent in the needless enslavement of the proletariat.

COUNT CHOCULA-FRANKENBERRY:
Reason this cereal is NOT decadent:
Gay relationship offers an excellent role model for this new era of diversity. Witty empire motif plays on never-ending struggle of the oppressed to topple the ruling classes.

Ooh UPS is here!

See that you do

2008-06-02T16:33:00.001-06:00

Awhile back, I was talking about the decisions that put me on my current path. I had worked for a big telecomm company for about five years. I was making about 35K. I wasn’t using my 401K matching or tuition assistance. You know why, because I was waiting for my miracle. I was waiting for the sky to open up and rain rubies and lucrative job offers down from heaven. I was still functioning under the pervasive belief that life was fair, more than fair, that life was benevolent. Surprise, though, my miracle didn’t come, and I was unhappy, so I left. I left my 35K and my slack-ass job to embrace my destiny.

My destiny meant a 22K/per year job (which was equal to my salary at my first job, when I used a mini-trampoline as a couch). It meant giving up my comfy two-bedroom apartment to sublet a friend’s apartment downtown and then, later, a room in my parents’ house. It meant that most days I ate Campbell’s Chunky Soup with French fried onions for both lunch and dinner. It meant no cable and no internet and very little heat and lots of walking on Sundays. It meant that when my Toyota started dying, I couldn’t fix it. That meant pains in my chest from the anxiety of driving a horribly unsafe car to and from work each day. It was the closest I’ve ever been to the real effects of poverty. I was one of those tenuous people who end up riding the bus 90 minutes each way to work after their car explodes.

Even in this new situation, I still wasn’t happy. Villi would listen to my bitching with good humor for a while, but it wasn’t her burden. I had made the choice to leave my job. I was the one who thought this was the solution. The consequences were mine to deal with. Finally, I was forced to confront something: it wasn’t the job, the living situation or the lack of money. I was unhappy because I was spinning my wheels and wasting my life. The job didn’t matter; it was a copout. It was my way avoiding the real problem – me. I needed a plan, and one that didn’t rely on magic. I needed to think long-term and develop the skills to fulfill it. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve done a four-year degree in four years, while working full time. It has meant long hours, boring assignments, and frustration, and I’m still not done. In the literal sense I’m actually not finished; I have two semesters to go. In the figurative sense I want to get my masters degree and start a consulting firm.

This whole awakening has instilled in me that while yes, some models and actors are plucked from their jobs at the Piggly-Wiggly and given million dollar contracts, I will probably have to work for the good things in my life. Further, just like my parents became militant, mean, non-smokers, my new found clarity has made me impatient with people unwilling to move forward or help themselves. I’m exhausted from changing my life, and you should have to be, too! Villi said it best today, “If you don’t plant anything, why do you expect anything to grow?”

3.925 = three times sterling

2008-05-23T10:06:00.002-06:00

Friday metalurgy/GPA jokes. Hilarious. So glad it is the weekend. Nearing the end of the rope. Going to punch people in the face.

Hope everyone memorializes their liver this weekend. Salud!

The doctor is in

2008-05-21T11:33:00.002-06:00

A few days ago, me and the boys at work were running lines from Wayne’s World, cause that is just what you do in technical support. We were talking about the corporate sponsor scene – Pizza Hut, Doritos, Reebox, and Pepsi. We were got to Nuprin (Little, Yellow, Different) and realized that none of us had seen Nuprin in years. What had happened to the Nuprin? I asked the google, and the answer (that it was now a proprietary product of CVS and was no longer yellow) turned out to be the cake. The icing? I found this fantastic blog. It is written by a pharmacist somewhere in California. He is fiercely liberal, funny, and dedicated. His writing is hilarious because, like me, he is a misanthrope working in the service industry. That is a tough balance to maintain, particularly when you are trying to save idiots from themselves.

I have spent the last week catching up on his archives. I forwarded the page to my mom, a nurse, because I thought she would appreciate his analyses of the medical system in this country. There have been a few articles that were particularly interesting or poignant, but I liked this one the best.

Old lady comes up to the counter and asks a question. "I broke out in a rash and my doctor told me to get some Benadryl. Is this the right thing?"

Nothing unusual here. There are about 8,000 different types of Benadryl on the market, and if you're not a drug person and find yourself all blotchy and itchy, it's understandable you want to make sure you get the right thing. I answer this very question several times a week. If you find yourself in this type of situation in the future, look for the Benadryl Allergy in the pink box.

Which is exactly what the old lady had in her hand. Yay for her. When I told her that she indeed had the right thing she replied, "Well that's what the pharmacist at K-Mart said too, but since she was a woman, I thought I would ask again."

A woman was telling me that she didn't trust the advice of another woman. You've come a long way indeed baby.

Boy, can I relate. I find that women are more overtly sexist than men. They are incredulous that I, a mere girl, might fix their computer and software programs. On rare occasion, as faithful readers are all aware, I have to play the manager card and explain that not only am I a girl in technical support, I am girl managing a bunch of guys in technical support. Plus, I wear pants and don’t ride side saddle. Aside from the dead squirrel and my tendency to cry at Liberty Mutual commercials, you won’t find much in my temperament that betrays my ovaries. Sigh.

Some shit went down last night, but I am not yet brave enough to face it. I'm content to let it continue to poison me from the inside. Cheerio!

White courtesy telephone

2008-05-20T11:16:00.000-06:00

Very busy weekend. I try not to schedule things for all three nights, because I am kinda unsoiciable, but I am really glad I did this weekend.

Friday night, all the kids from work went to Cool River for a wine pairing with the winemaker from Fisher Vineyards. I had saved my $100 for 6 weeks to make sure I could pay (yeah, pay). I was pleasantly surprised when my boss said that dinner was on him. The food was fantastic – five courses. The wine, except for the Chardonnay, was delicious. I can’t afford any of their wines, but I’ll always have Cool River.

Saturday night, I was meeting with the librarians, which is always a blast. We ate pizza, drank beer, and chatted about all manner of political, sociological, and maritime issues – maybe not maritime. We had a great time, and we can’t wait that long to meet up ever again. Perhaps our trivia team, The Imbeciles, can meet up soon.

Sunday night, we were all meeting for Andrea’s birthday at the Traildust steakhouse. We also knew that John was likely going to propose, so we spent the day getting the house in order, so it looked like some place someone might want to be proposed to. The proposal happened, and was accepted, and was a lovely evening for all involved.

Now, I am in planning mode for our crawfish boil in July. Should be lots of fun. I may write about the Phoebe Cates thing, but for the time being, it seems inappropriate. More to come.

Don't worry about dropping your head, it's your chest

2008-05-17T13:23:00.001-06:00

Ahh, the always welcome sense of relief when the semester is truly and finally over. I just submitted my last final, sociology 4150, and am enjoying a detox fiction book like I always have to read at the end. This semester? Tolstoy Lied by Rachel Kadish. Interestingly enough, both Villi and I spotted and bought this book in separate trips to Barnes and Noble. She mentioned that it looked familiar and when I went to place it on the shelf, it was already there.

I noticed today, for some reason, that I don’t write in margins of books, I only dog-ear. I have come up with some possible reasons for this.

1. Fear – I was/am afraid that putting my words and thoughts next to those of a published author is rude or offensive. Disturbing because it indicates that my fear of offending extends to inanimate objects in my possession. Do I believe that Douglas Coupland’s car might break down in front of my house, he’d ask to borrow the phone, flip through my worn copy of Microserfs, and mock my reactions?

2. Dirty Dancing – Robby’s character wants to lend Baby his copy of Atlas Shrugged, after telling her that “some people matter and some people don’t.” He tells her she will like it but to return it because he has notes in the margin. Did my young, unconscious self equate writing in margins to being a douchebag? Disturbing because it indicates that pop culture is even more internalized than I thought.

3. Surprise – Part of me likes going back into a book with no specific memory. Reading it from whatever new vantage point I have climbed to since I last read it. Maybe the margin writing distracts from new magic in the book? Disturbing because this points more to my own fear of finding myself stupid on the return trip.

4. No pencil – self-explanatory.

This is the line from Tolstoy Lied that made me want to post something.

“Sitting here beside him, sipping room-temperature beer, I feel: This place is the center. This sofa is the exact center of the known universe, all neighboring systems quietly reshaping to make way for the heavy pull between us.”

I declare

2008-05-15T21:51:00.006-06:00

I sometimes space out on Valentine’s day and imagine what it would be like to receive some obscenely large arrangement of flowers, or possibly a signed copy of my favorite book (because my boyfriend really gets me in my fantasy). And around Christmas, I wish I had someone to read with in front of a fire. I imagine we take turns reading a Christmas Carol, or maybe just How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and this Mr. Wonderful probably has a funny Grinch voice, or he mimics carving the who beast when he reads it. In the spring, I long for someone to walk with, drink wine with, share inside jokes with-someone who would stop in a park and tie my shoe for me (or point out the glass and walk me around it a la Lloyd Dobbler).

Although alone, I am not lonely. I take comfort in the fact that I don’t really need a boyfriend. I’m happy that when I get one, we will be free from the silly roles that people have to play. I enjoy action films. I pump my own gas and kill my own spiders.

I am energized by the prospect of taking care of myself, or I was until today.

This afternoon, if I had a boyfriend, I would have called him in my crying, high-pitched girl voice. I would have asked him to come right over. When he asked what was wrong, I would have squealed about it being too horrible and to come right away. He, responding in some innate, genetic action spurred by the instinctual memory of 1,000,000 hysterical women before me, would have rushed over in a panic to see what was wrong. He would have found me perched at the top of my staircase, trembling and pointing. “Down there,” I would have whispered.

He would have charged down the stairs, finding my beagle, Megra, gleefully eviscerating a dead squirrel. He would have handled the whole mess, possibly without his shirt on. I would have fluttered my eyelashes and sighed, “My hero.”

But that isn’t what happened at all. Instead, I had to deal with the dead squirrel and a beagle that did not want to let it go. I won’t describe the squirrel except to say there wasn’t much left by the time I got to him. I did manage to bag the squirrel and get him up to the trash without touching him, but not without a very serious case of the willies and a few powerful, involuntary shudders.

I often wondered what it would take for me to wish away 150 years of feminism and suffrage. The answer: a dead, half-eaten squirrel.

Look at her, she doesn’t even look guilty.

Note to self: remember the Pheobe Cates anecdote

2008-05-14T09:13:00.003-06:00

I have been reading Mark Morford’s op-ed column in the SF Gate for years now. Sometimes, when he rags on the Midwest, or the mindless, or the unhealthy, or the spiritually numb, I see bits of myself in my column. I usually feel something close to shame, the kind of shame that makes you swear off Rock of Love and A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila and PerezHilton.com. Today’s column starts in the same vein; Mark is talking about the cognitive surplus we have in this country and how most of us blow right through that watching TV. He goes on to talk about Wikipedia taking nearly 100 million hours of work. Wikipedia, non-peer reviewed reference site that it is, represents a successful collaborative use of some of that cognitive surplus.

Then, he changes gears again. He says that Wikipedia may be a marvel of socialism and technology, but he doesn’t feel confident that we can ever be a truly collaborative culture because most often the by product of collaboration is groupthink. Nasty, evil groupthink.

The examples are legion, eternal, painful: You want to destroy a unique TV show? Run it by lots of focus groups. Want to maul a good film? Hire a team to write the script.

And here is where my post really gets started. Villi and I were sitting on the couch a few nights ago talking about something that led to something else. I don’t know how we got to Pretty in Pink, but I mentioned that the original ending had Andie and Duckie ending up together, which was really the natural order. Apparently, when they ran it by focus groups (big-haired, gum-smacking 14 year olds, I imagine) they started booing at the end. Andie shouldn’t be with sweet, kind, reverent Duckie. She should be with the rich, good looking (if you’re into the sunken-cheek, feathered-hair awkwardness that is Andrew McCarthy) boy who treated her like crap and rolled over to his parents' elitism rather than defend Andie. What a message to the girls in America! Why not just have her end up with James Spader’s Stef. If she really wanted to feel inferior for the whole of her relationship, I think that would be the way to go.

So, we checked out my Pretty in Pink DVD and it listed the original ending as one of the special features. Unfortunately, tt didn’t really have the original ending, just a bunch of commentary by the cast and crew about why the change was made. Molly Ringwald admitted that if the original Duckie (Robert Downing Jr.) had been Duckie she would have been okay with the original ending. When Jon Cryer was cast, she wanted the movie to change. What is that about? You’re an actress; it means pretend. Only Annie Potts seemed appropriately outraged at the change, and I blame that stupid focus group for all of this.

So far, only my friend Beth has agreed with the original ending.

the ex-showgirl wife of donald phelps

2008-05-12T13:54:00.004-06:00

Spent the weekend listening to Carla Bruni's Quelqu'un m'a dit, annoyed that a former model would dare to make such lovely music. It was on par with discovering that Cindy Crawford was offered a full-ride chemical engineering scholarship to Northwestern University. Pretty people shouldn't be good at stuff!

I didn't even connect that this was the woman who recently married French President Nicholas Sarkozy - the model he left his wife for. I'm clueless sometimes (all the time...tout le temps).

Get confident, stupid!

2008-05-12T11:53:00.002-06:00

I notice that most success stories in the blogosphere fall into two categories: themed (Julia and Julie) or highly personal and potentially embarrassing (the washingtonienne). I MUST stop to say that it must be amazing to decide to write a blog about cooking your way through “Mastering the Art of French Cooking” and then, several years later, Amy Adams and Meryl Streep are signed up to make a movie out of your NYT bestselling book.

I never intended to be a commercial blogger. I wish I could chalk it up to lack of time or patience, but really, I suffer from a lack of content. My life is boring and I don’t always have a lot going on, so I don’t always have a lot to say. I decided, however, if I was ever going to do a commercial blog, I would do it about commercials (or adverts as the classy English folk say). I think that commercials are terribly interesting because they tread the line between commerce and pop art. I'm not high-brow; I might be barely middlebrow. Even so, the collision of artistic endeavor and commodity is fascinating. I was reading about the Murakami installations at the MOCA and now the Brooklyn Museum and how both contained a free standing Louis Vuitton store smack dab in the middle. It emphasized the fact that there is a serious infiltration of marketing into our lives, and it seems to be getting more intrusive. I fully anticipate that my funeral will be co-sponsored by Stolichnaya and Skechers (It’s the S).

Not only that, but commercials are one of the most prolific ways we reinforce and create culture. There is so much to see – the latent bigotry, the truly surreal, the falsely surreal, etc. I think I could crank out a couple of sizeable blogs a week about commercials. I would start with this Skittles commercial

Possibly the saddest commercial in the history of the world.

In a world of chaos

2008-05-06T13:50:00.003-06:00

I have always been jealous of Villi and the uninterrupted seven year archive that is her life. My blogs have always been scatter shot, poorly conceived, and disconnected. Because of this, and my tendency to purge things from life every so often, I have these gaps in my life where nothing is recorded. It always kinda gets me down, knowing that I don't have a complete record, that there is only half my skeleton for the data archaeologists to pull up.

To be perfectly honest, this all started today when I thought about this fantastic email correspondence I had with this boy about 7 years ago and how it is gone forever. I started to think I should revise my policy on data storage. Even if something is painful, or the writing is painfully bad and causes me embarrassment, I shouldn't just delete these parts of my life. They are still part of me.

So, the semester is almost over and the downtime between semesters always makes me itchy. I usually have to assign myself some giant project to keep myself out of trouble. If I had the money, I would work on my media server, but I am broke-ass broke. Instead, I am going to try to piece together the fragments of my life, pulling my writing for as many scattered archives as possible and uniting them under the unified www.amateurnacho.com

We will see how that goes.

Going nowhere

2008-05-06T13:09:00.002-06:00

I started this entry, but it seemed to die in my arms. I'll just post what I have, instead of deleting it. It seems a waste of a paragraph.

I have been a girl all my life. It seems a silly statement, but I am attempting to establish my credentials. I want it known that I have almost 30 years of experience being a girl. And I don’t say woman and I don’t say female, because they never seem to conjure the right image in my mind: the former seems a political distinction, the latter a biological one. Girl always seemed to encompass everything, the politics, the biology, and the cultural of receiving two X chromosomes. I also like “girl” because it is so mutable. Yes, girl means young woman, but there is so much more to it. We tack it on to every conceivable personality and hobby – rock girl, glamour girl, shy girl, drama girl, popular girl, nerdy girl – and while each of these are gendered, but it is more than that. It becomes a way to identify the tribes, so to speak. Girl lets you try on different hats, be all the other girls you want to be. It is a very liberating term because you are free to interpret it as you wish. There is a problem with girl, though.

we accept cash, money, and/or hos

2008-05-01T11:48:00.001-06:00

Sprained my wrist doing the safety dance

2008-04-23T10:19:00.002-06:00

I have been, at several points in my life, a two-job lady, working a full time and a part time job. I usually only lasted about six months before it completely wore me down. In addition to needing the money, I usually tried to work for a friend, or somewhere I had worked before. I also preferred to work alone, like a hitman. One of my jobs was at a hotel gift shop. I worked nights, selling $9 toothbrushes to harried business travelers. Mostly, I listened to Prince on the jambox and restocked candy. One of my other tasks was handling the books. Since this gift shop was an extension of a European bookseller, namely W.H. Smith, we had a sizable collection of books. It was here that I learned the difference between trade and mass-market paperbacks and other things. I also learned about the worst practice in the whole publishing world. For mass-market paperbacks, booksellers don’t return them to the vendor. It isn’t cost-effective. Instead, the sellers tear the covers off the books to return to the vendor and then throw the books away. GASP! How horrible. They can’t be donated or given away or used to start a book swap at a retirement community. They are simple pitched in a dumpster and, in my store’s case, compacted with the nightly trash. It was devastating.

My boss at the time found the practice barbaric and turned a blind eye to the bag of coverless books we kept on Wednesdays and Thursdays after I weeded the books. What this meant is that I took home sacks of paperback books. I couldn’t stand to throw them away and would often take books I had no intention of reading: lots of Mary Higgins Clark and Danielle Steel and John Grisham. I also found a few good books. This was how I discovered Dennis Lehane (pre-Mystic River). I also grabbed a book called Dreamland by Kevin Baker; it is one of the best pieces of historical fiction ever. It is set in turn-of-the-century New York (Coney Island mostly) and is centered around the mob, Tammany Hall and the Triangle Shirtwaist fire (which also inspired one of my favorite Rasputina songs, appropriately named My Little Shirtwaist Fire). I loved this book and ended up buying all of Kevin Baker’s other books (even replacing my coverless copy of Dreamland). The second book I read was Strivers’ Row. This book is centered around the early life of Malcolm X in Harlem. It wasn’t as interesting to me as Dreamland, but it introduced me to the Collyer brothers, Homer and Langley. They were New York’s most famous packrats and are the namesake of the disorder for hoarding. Langley was caught by one of the booby traps in his house and buried under one ton of newspaper. Homer, his blind brother, starved to death waiting for Langley to return. I am completely fascinated by the Collyer brothers. I just got a book about them from the library. I hope to read it this weekend. I’m sad that the book doesn’t have any pictures. Anytime you haul 14 pianos out of a house, the pictures are probably pretty awesome. I also feel bad for the construction workers who emptied the house since this happened before the advent of roll-dumpsters. Here is a photo of one of the rooms.

In other news, Villi (bass guitar, piano, vocals) and I (guitar, violin, vocals) have started a band. I think the Collyer Brothers would be an interesting name for a band comprised of two sisters?

Dunno. That is all.

DING

2008-04-19T18:45:00.002-06:00

So, it's been like 4 years and, according to WoW, a whole month of my life, but I finally got my mage to 70. One goal down, one to go.

Amateur Nacho

I'm so bad at this

Principles of bistromathics

A first casualty

Method to the semi-madness

Don't let go, Rose

Project: Veggies

Project: Veggies

The resolutions

Lazy but hopeful

So beautiful

Shame

well, she probably won't talk to me again

Acting...brilliant...thank you

Managed to come back from vacation both sick and tired

Wretched news on the work front

Huzzah

My goal for Hawaii

I wish I were at the Plaza again

wow

vibrations, good

nothing clever to say

Amor, sei colpa tu

ask for it by name

worry your pretty, little head

That is what she wished she had said

Quickly

Odd

Tipsy confession...set to Neko Case's "Set Out Running"

In the sweet used to be

she'll always be hannah neffler to me

margaret is a fragment of a name

Yep, drunk again

de-fense

Says the english major

Me and French 2: A complicated history

Dear New York, I love you

My plan for surviving Wednesday

Apparently the 30 freakout starts tonight

Blogging from an ipod touch sucks

Everything old

Even in the future nothing works

A run down of the last week

Pink slips

For God and Country...and three points

I got a beard on my hand

So let's crush that fly

One month, to the day

Well, it's friday

Embarrassing Confessional 1

Sweet Jesus

Shrug

Uno mas

Best. Party. Ever.

I beseech thee.

Curiouser and Curiouser

UPDATE: Blood pressure 140/95...gurgle

Ignorance is bliss

Because he refused to put the top back on the mustard jar

Not if you're going to insult me

The Robber Barrons

It doesn't take a nucular scientist to pronounce foilage.

Do you ever think anything you don't say?

warms my heart

You are my sunshine

Confession of perversion

GRWWWEAAAAAAAAAAAAR

an industrial area zoned for blight

continued

three sets of keys, none of them work

You go squish now

I want to help you George Washington

Stupid people

*gurgle*

eek - scary babies

sad realization

tipsy and reading jane austen at 3.30 am

DRUNK!

I want a big bag of little donuts

Drowning and annoyed

gurgle